Monday, December 1, 2008

I am stressed about school and can not sleep... posting a missed connection it is!

Home for the Holiday - w4m - 26 (N train)

On the N shuttle train tonight around 10:30pm headed towards Ditmars

You: cute and tall, with blue backpack and blue eyes
Me: stressed-out gal with glasses and a black and white coat

Looked like you were coming back from a Thanksgiving trip, with left-overs in hand. Caught my eye a few times. Want to tell me about your family's wacky Thanksgiving hijinks??




Sunday, November 30, 2008

A Word of Thanks

Ah, Thanksgiving. A day to think about all the blessings in your life. Family and friends gathering, eating too much food, drinking too much drink, enjoying each others' company, etc., etc., etc. Of course, let's try not to think about the origins of the holiday, or how Uncle Leon is a raging alcoholic, or how cooking the stuffing inside the turkey as opposed to in its own pan may cause possible bacterial infection. Let's just focus on the positives: mashed potatoes, champagne, and good times.

But somewhere in Manhattan, someone's Thanksgiving is not so happy. Somewhere a man sits in front of his computer, wondering to himself "Why? Why can't I find a woman who shares both my religious views and my enjoyment of hairy ladies?" He stares at his screen, takes a sip of his Mountain Thunder, and scratches his head. "Tell me, Beowulf," he says plaintively, addressing his prized pet iguana, "Tell me what to do!"

The iguana stares at him, as iguanas are wont to do. In the stare, the man seems to see an answer. "Of course! That same girl! The one I've written to over and over, sometimes using the same text, who has never given me any reason to believe that she is interested in meeting, ever! I'll write to her once more. But this time - this time, Beowulf, I will write an email of such eloquence, such insight, that she will be forced to respond in the affirmative."

And so he types:

So is your armpit hair rather long yet?

Simple. To the point. Rife with meaning. Let's all say a word of thanks that on Thursday, at 6:23pm, The Naturalizer decided to strike again.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Seriously, It Won't End.


The time: Saturday, November 8, 8:10pm.
The place: The Naturalizer's apartment.
The Naturalizer sits alone, staring at his collection of Hummel figurines and crucifixes. As Teen Wolf plays on his 13" television set, unwatched, he sits back, takes a gulp of his store brand Dr. Pepper clone (Dr. Bold, perhaps) and toys with the fork left neglected in his Hungry Man salisbury steak dinner. He speaks:

"What am I doing? It's 8pm on a Saturday, and I would like nothing more than to be out on the town with a hairy, Jesus-loving lady. I thought I'd found one, but she spurned me - electronically!"

He hangs his head so that the bells on the jester hat he is wearing jingle in a pathetic manner.* His pet iguana stares vacantly at him, partly because it is an iguana, and partly because it is confused as to why he is wearing a jester hat. Suddenly, he jerks upward.

"I have the perfect solution! I will contact her once more! I still have her email address! Maybe, just maybe, if I say the perfect thing, she will come running back to me and we will live happily together in a land with no razors!"

He sits down at his computer, ready to burst with excitement. As he logs in to his email, his leg twitches in that way that dudes' legs sometimes twitch when they are nervous or just bored and you have to be like "DUDE. Your LEG." and they are like "OH. Shit." because they totally didn't know their leg was doing that. Thankfully for The Naturalizer, his only witness is the iguana, who doesn't care, as it is distracted by a particularly leafy piece of lettuce.

"But what will I type to this unseen, hirsute maiden? Surely nothing that springs from this mortal brain is divine enough to ply her to return - electronically - to my virtual arms. Oh, what to do?"

He sits, stymied, gazing at the framed 8x10 photograph of Rush Limbaugh gracing his wall, as though pleading with the man to send him guidance. Suddenly - an idea strikes.

"That's it!"

With that, he presses send. What follows is the email he sent:

How are you? I have decided to give you one last opportunity. Perhaps, you have had time to think about your rude behavior in not responding to my emails. Besides, I can think of two good reasons-- 1. Its not easy to find a girl who does not shave and a guy who is appreciative of that.. and 2. we may share similar religious beliefs... And in ny that is not easy to find. How about it?

In case you're wondering: Yes. This is exactly the same as the last two emails he sent.
But this time I responded.
Let's see what happens.


--UPDATE--
I responded "Hahahahaha" to his email at 9:04am, then started writing this. By the time I was done at 9:28, he had responded: "So why not? What do you have to lose?"
HOW DESPERATE ARE YOU DUDE





*credit where credit is due: my 10th grade English teacher Mrs. Hunter (who was quite possibly the most awesome teacher ever, and had many a quotable moment), used this phrase in regards to the wonderful short story The Cask of Amontillado. I still love that story.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Because I Love Me Some Juxtaposition

MYSTERIOUS:

You rode a horse named Kansas... - m4w - 37
Reply to: xxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-10-30, 9:42PM CDT

I was going through some papers and I came upon an old photo of you standing on the deck of your friend Soloman's house boat.

I wish that I had been more mature when I knew you...You were a very cool chick.

and I liked your blackened style of cooking too.

===

NOT SO MYSTERIOUS:

You've got an ass that wont quit - m4w
Reply to: xxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-10-30, 6:58PM CDT

Oh God.

Monday, October 20, 2008

No, FOR REALS, One Last Opportunity

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Friday, October 17, 2008 11:20 PM
Subject: Fwd: Re: Hi!How are you?
I have decided to give you one last opportunity. Perhaps, you have had time to think about your rude behavior in not responding to my emails. Besides, I can think of two good reasons-- 1. Its not easy to find a girl who does not shave and a guy who is appreciative of that.. and 2. we may share similar religious beliefs... And in ny that is not easy to find. How about it?

Okay.

This is baffling.

First this fellow can't get enough of my alleged pit hair. Then, he tells me to get over myself. And yet, here he is, emailing me at 11:20 on a Friday night, when he should be out trolling the streets for nubile young things who want to make a statement about societal patriarchy through their refusal to shave (I mean, hello, NYU has been back in session for weeks). What is it about me, N? Why am I so very intriguing to you that you feel forced to forward me* an email you sent me not three days prior? Why can't you quit me, Naturalizer?

*see subject line

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

One Last Opportunity

We first met The Naturalizer a while back. For brevity's sake: he likes pits. You can read the history if you'd like. In short, I sort of got bored with him. However, his most recent email was too good to not post.


From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Sunday, October 5, 2008 4:48:40 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
So did you receive my replies? Are you going to respond? Its up to you. I am not sending you another email...
Ed. note: This one is so sinister-sounding. I like how he basically gives me an ultimatum.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Monday, October 6, 2008, 2:06 PM
wow...i was not able to check my email for the past few days...sorry if i "inconvienced" you. i don't think i'm ready to meet up with someone who is so pushy. sorry to have wasted your time.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Monday, October 6, 2008 7:17:36 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
Sorry about that.. It is just that you usually responded very quickly and all of sudden you didn't. So I wanted to see if you were still interested. So how about it? How is finding out if you are still interested in chatting being pushy by the way?

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, October 7, 2008, 2:05 PM
i can see where you would wonder what happened, but i just got caught up with other stuff. here's a tip: if someone isn't responding to your emails, they are busy or not interested. in either case, re-sending the same email multiple times looks pushy.
good luck on your search.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, October 7, 2008 4:43 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
Whatever. get over yourself...

Ed. note: At this point, I figured we were done. And that would have been totally fine with me. But the next email was, oh, too priceless.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, October 14, 2008 9:44 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
How are you? I have decided to give you one last opportunity. Perhaps, you have had time to think about your rude behavior in not responding to my emails. Besides, I can think of two good reasons-- 1. Its not easy to find a girl who does not shave and a guy who is appreciative of that.. and 2. we may share similar religious beliefs... And in ny that is not easy to find. How about it?

Wow. I mean...how could a girl resist?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Casio, I Love You

My newly-made friend and I boarded the train, her wearing a new, free orange coat, and me toting my free Casio SK-1.
"Can you play that?" you said.
"Uh...yeah," I responded, taken aback.
"No, I mean right now."
"Well, there aren't any batteries."
"What size does it need?"
"Double A."
And with that, you produced a package of batteries from your capacious bookbag, a package of gargantuan proportions.*

We tried to make it work. But the wires were too corroded. Blast!
You'll be happy to know that I got it working, even without a soldering gun. (There was, however, jury-rigged stripping of wire with a kitchen shears.)

I heard you gave my friend the rose. That was sweet. Thanks for the story.
Update: I posted this this afternoon, and after a couple hours, got one response:
Hi, how are you doing, this is an amazing story,
Cute.
I particularly like the irrationally-capitalized "Cute."


*okay, there were 36. Still, it looked like a lot.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Being Unshaven, The Beatles, and Jesus

“You’re a fool,” they said. “Haven’t you learned your lesson?” they pleaded. But no. I couldn’t resist. You may remember The Naturalizer from a few weeks ago. This week, I was cruising the MCs (working as a temp = lots of time to kill) and I saw an ad that was – verbatim – the response I received. Obviously, it was the same dude. So I decided to see if he would send me the Crazy Jesus page again. What follows are the results of that experiment.

From: FrankieSubject: Hi!
To: pers-xxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 1:50 PM
i saw ur ad on CL about girls who don't like shaving
i think i probably fit that description lol...
you have pics? send me some and i'll send u mine :)

-Frankie
Ed. note: the character I’m adopting in these emails is basically an amalgam of several people I know in real life that I think are stupid.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Monday, September 29, 2008 4:34:19 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!

So how old are you? Where do you live? So are you unshaven now? I have pics, but I am at work now and they are on my home computer. So send me some pics. and I will send you some later tonight.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 5:24 PM

i'm 24 and i live in brooklyn (cheaper than manhattan lol)...i'm at work too right now but i'll be home later. what about you? what do you do for work? i'm a receptionist and it's fine but not what i really want to be doing. like everyone else lol

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Monday, September 29, 2008 11:37:50 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!

So..I am 31 and live in greenpoint, brooklyn.Where do you live in brooklyn? I work in asset management. So what did you go to school for? So send me a pic. when you get home..

The Naturalizer

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 12:12 AM

greenpoint seems pretty cool, i have checked out a couple bars around there...i actually live off the G train so i know how it is!! haha...that train is so stupid. anyway, i attached a pic of me my friend took...i have kind of a crazy hat on but i still sorta like it! i'm not sure what asset management is...maybe like banking? i hope you have a job still! i went to school for history, but i really want to be a rock star. as you can see from my hat lol. hope you send a pic soon!

hey we're both on yahoo so if u wanna chat 2nite...i'll be up for a while ;)
Ed. note: I included a picture in this email. Not of me. Of some random, pretty but not unrealistic girl I got on Flickr. She was, in fact, wearing a pretty rockin’ hat. Additionally, it’s important to note here that the G train is the only train that goes to Greenpoint. And it is, in fact, so stupid.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 9:06:38 AM
Subject: Re: Hi!

I actually was tired and went to bed when you sent this. Anyway, I forwarded a pic. to my work email. So here is a pic. Asset management is part of banking. I still have a job. My company has not been affected by any of this yet. So what interested about my ad? The non-shaving thing? Out of curiosity, are your armpits unshaven now? Have you ever let them grow out (if not)?
Ed. note: The Naturalizer included a photo in this email, the same one he sent in his response to my MC.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 10:41 AM

Hi again!

nice pic! are you at work??

i just thought it was cool that you weren't grossed out by girls who don't shave...since it's winter now i'm going to probably stop again...in the summer it gets too hot to have hair lol!! but yeah i like the natural look and it just feels better!

talk to you soon!
Frankie

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 11:25:34 AM
Subject: Re: Hi!

Hey,

Yes. I am at work. Its cool that you don't shave at all during the winter. I definitely prefer the natural look on a girl. So you let both armpits & legs grow fully out in the winter? Have you ever done it the summer (out of curiosity)?

Anyway, are you originally from NY? Where in brooklyn do you live (I don't think you said)?

The Naturalizer

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 12:17 PM

mostly if i do it in the summer it's just because i'm lazy...haha

i'm originally from tampa, fl...so i'm like the opposite of all those old people that move to fl from ny! i live off the classon stop on the g, so it's not the greatest neighborhood, but i like it all right. where are you from originally??

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 12:39:17 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!

Originally, I am from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living in NY for over five years now. How long have you been here? So what do you like to do in your free time? Also, do you have more pics?

That's interesting that you live off the classon stop on the G. Maybe this was you. While on the way to meet a friend who lives further down the G line about a month ago (last couple of weeks in August I don't remember exactly when). I noticed a very attractive girl that was totally unshaven (at least the armpits) that got on the G (don't remember where exactly and I think (while I am not 100% certain as it was over month ago) she got off on the classon stop . Was that you by any chance? I know, probably not, but I figured I would ask since you mentioned that stop and reminded me of it.

Ed. note: at this point, I updated Alex on the situation.

Alex: HAHAHAHHAHA
that is the funniest response ever
WOW
i would (a) never remember someone random from a month ago (well, maybe)
and (b) HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IF THAT WAS YOU?
and (c) ok i guess he's making that up
Frankie: it's SO WEIRD
Alex: the more i think about it, that's actually kind of smart!
because if you were dumb, you would think it WAS you
which might flatter you // make you feel like he is a real person?
what could you say??
Frankie: and every email is like "tell me more about your pits"
Alex: hahahhah
WEIRD
ew, he is probably jerking off to ALL of your emails
ew ew
Frankie: ewwwww
well i sent a pic
of a random girl
i feel bad
but hey, anyone could be jerking off to her pic on flickr
Alex: haha aw
they could be anyway
Frankie: i mean she's cute
and has a cute hat on

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 1:45 PM
pittsburgh seems like a nice town. i've lived here for like 2 years almost. mostly i like hanging out with friends, going to shows, etc. i guess i'm pretty boring that way lol! but not boring to hang out with :) what about you? what kind of music do you like?

haha i'm not sure how you think i would remember if it was me if it was over a month ago!! obviously i am very attractive so it's possible :)

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 2:08:07 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
In my free time, I like to read, watch movies/tv, run, go for walks, hang out with friends at restaurants & bars, etc. As for music, like the beatles, modest mouse, rolling stones, led zepelin, frank sinatra, billy joel, fiona apple, sublime, pink floyd (though less than I used to), the doors, grateful dead, oasis, among others... What about you?

What do you do for exercise? Do you run? As for wether it was you about a month ago, one way to at least narrow it down a little is to ask if your armpits were unshaven at that time. So were they?
Ed. note: As I said to Alex when I got this email, it's as though he Googled the phrase "cliched favorite bands" and then copy/pasted it into the email. Except Sublime. Where have THEY been? Also, the exercise question? Where did THAT come from? I suppose he could be a runner, and just wants to know if I'm a kindred spirit.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 2:38 PM

OMG i love the beatles and was obsessed with them as a kid...john was always my favorite for some reason. but i like lots of stuff, like yo la tengo and girl talk and ben folds and katy perry and all sorts of stuff. i've seen weezer a bunch of times. what movies have you seen lately? i just saw nights in rodanthe and it was sooooooooooo good but a little girly maybe lol

i don't really like running but i take dance classes alot...seems like i never have time to go to the gym lol! i need to get an exercise buddy!
Ed. note: I really did see Nights in Rodanthe. However, "sooooooooooooo good" would not be my description.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 3:30 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
Lately, I have not seen any really good movies. One of my best friends got married a couple of weeks ago and I was in the wedding & there was the bachelor party--so I was busy with that for a while.. You didn't answer the question about being unshaven a month ago or whether you are now. Can't let you slide on that question..ha ha.. Also, do you have more pics?

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Wednesday, October 1, 2008 9:14:07 AM
Subject: Re: Hi!

Did you receive my reply? Here it is if you didn't:

Lately, I have not seen any really good movies. One of my best friends got married a couple of weeks ago and I was in the wedding & there was the bachelor party--so I was busy with that for a while..

You didn't answer the question about being unshaven a month ago or whether you are now. Can't let you slide on that question..ha ha.. Also, do you have more pics?
Ed. note: "Can't let you slide"? For some reason, I find that so sinister-sounding. Particularly because he cut/pasted his email from the day before and sent it again. I like how his explanation for my lack of reply is that I "didn't receive" it. These are emails, dude.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 12:09 PM
wow, you are like really into pit hair, hey? i honestly don't really remember about a month back, could have been. right now i'm workin' on a couple days' growth i guess lol

i'm at work again and don't have too many pics here...at least good ones :)

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Wednesday, October 1, 2008 12:42:46 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!

In the grand scheme of things, pit hair is not the most important thing I am looking for in a girl. It is just that it is hard to find a girl willing to grow it out. So since you are open to it, I kinda went with that perhaps to the point where it seems like I am more into it than I actually am (though I certainly prefer it on a girl). By the way, what type of relationship are you looking for? I never really asked. As for me, I am looking for a serious relationship that will hopefully lead to a long-term relationship if it works out.

Feel free to send me what you have at work in terms of pics. The pic. you sent is with a hat and I can't get a complete idea of what you look like.
Ed. note: I really wanted to see if he would send the Crazy Jesus page again. I consulted Alex for her sage advice.
Frankie: "In the grand scheme of things, pit hair is not the most important thing I am looking for in a girl. It is just that it is hard to find a girl willing to grow it out."
Alex: HAHAHAHHH
SO INTENSE
Frankie: i'm like bored with this
Alex: he talks about pit hair too much
Frankie: i wanted him to send the crazy christian thing
Alex: has he told you anything else about himself?
you should ask him about his religious views!!!!
Alex: tell him that you only date christians
or tell him that you're jewish or something?
or agnostic?
a devil-worshipper
NO WAIT
YOU should send HIM a crazy christian link
Frankie: HAHAHAHA
Alex: OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

In the end, I went with this:

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 1:13 PM

haha fair enough...well i guess i should mention here that i go to church every week and am hoping to find a guy who shares my views...most guys my age i meet in new york are not into the religion thing and if they are, they always turn out to be weirdos who want me to be a doormat or something!!! it's cool if you're not like a regular churchgoer but i definitely am so that's what you're getting into lol...

From: The Naturalizer
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: Frankie
Date: Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 2:49 PM

While I am not a regular Churchgoer (in part due to the fact that I don't know anyone that goes regularly), I do believe in Jesus as Savior & Lord and in the Bible. So I am religious and you going to Church certainly would not bother me. I am certainly not weird and I am not looking for a girl to be my doormat.

So what are your beliefs? Where did you go to school out of curiosity? Can you send some more pics? If not from work, then later tonight...

From: The Naturalizer
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: Frankie
Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 12: 50 PM
Did you receive this:
While I am not a regular Churchgoer (in part due to the fact that I don't know anyone that goes regularly), I do believe in Jesus as Savior & Lord and in the Bible. So I am religious and you going to Church certainly would not bother me. I am certainly not weird and I am not looking for a girl to be my doormat.

So what are your beliefs? Where did you go to school out of curiosity? Can you send some more pics? If not from work, then later tonight...


From: The Naturalizer
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: Frankie
Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 4:03 PM

So are you still interested in chatting further? you didn't respond:
While I am not a regular Churchgoer (in part due to the fact that I don't know anyone that goes regularly), I do believe in Jesus as Savior & Lord and in the Bible. So I am religious and you going to Church certainly would not bother me. I am certainly not weird and I am not looking for a girl to be my doormat.

So what are your beliefs? Where did you go to school out of curiosity? Can you send some more pics? If not from work, then later tonight...

From: The Naturalizer
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: Frankie
Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 10:02 PM
So are you still interested in chatting further? I think we have potential in that you are obviously open to being unshaven, like the beatles, and we may have similar religious beliefs. So I hope to hear from you. Did you receive my reply?

Ed. note: I LOVE this list of “why we have potential," particularly the inclusion of the Beatles, because they're, like, not a litmus test. Lots of people like them.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Thursday, September 11, 2008

He's baaaaa-aaaaaack

Ernest wrote:
You still work at 7-11? I don't get there during the early mornings anymore. Hope you had a great summer.

Wow. Talk about carrying a torch...this guy could do the entire Olympic torch march by himself.

You can ice MY cookie anytime


Caitlin over at Serious Eats found and posted this insane-o craigslist ad (which has, sadly, since been flagged for removal). It's...well, it's amazing. Someone spent a sizable chunk of time crafting this ad for maximum hilarity. Well played.

new york craigslist > manhattan > rooms & shares

$1 Room for ONE DOLLAR in bright, clean apartment (Upper West Side) (map)
Reply to: hous-834022781@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-09-09, 1:44PM EDT

I am looking for someone to rent the spare bedroom in my spacious 2-bedroom apartment on the picturesque and desirable Upper West Side. You must read carefully, however, as this situation is not suitable for all.

The rent is $1 per month, utilities included, as long as you bake me fifty (50) tasty cookies every day by 6 p.m. If you have not completed this task by 6 p.m., I will pour vinegar on all your belongings, throw them into the street, and have the locks changed. No exceptions and no excuses. Hell or high water, those cookies better be done and yummy.

Cookies are always cookies and never biscuits. I do not eat “biscuits”.

I will decide the specific type of cookie the day before and will submit my preference in writing by 9 p.m. of that day. You are responsible for the recipe and ALL the ingredients (at your expense, of course). The kitchen is large and well equipped with cookie sheets, rolling pins, mixing bowls, etc. You may NOT hum or sing as you prepare the cookies. You may, however, recite song lyrics in a normal speaking voice.

Forbidden ingredients include anise, marjoram, allspice, caraway, and oats. I will nevertheless request oatmeal cookies from time to time and you must find a way to make them without oats. Good luck with that. The worst ingredient of all, though, is NUTMEG. If even one speck of nutmeg, even the tracest amount of the stuff, is discovered in my home, I will pour vinegar on your belongings and chuck them in the street. You may assume the locks will be changed. You may use cinnamon, cloves, and raisins, though I am rather indifferent to these and will likely not be impressed. Chocolate is encouraged, as is vanilla bean extract.

You will be given three cookie cutters: a crescent moon, a star, and a doggie in profile. All cookies must be in one of those three shapes. The doggies must be given names and all the names must be different and cute. Cuteness is my call, not yours. For example, “Smuggins” is cute but “Lionel” is not.

The cookies must be artfully arranged on a lace cloth on a silver platter and garnished. Permissible garnishes include jellied fruits and candied flowers. Sugared figs are under review, but don’t get your hopes up.

Your room contains a twin bed, a dresser, a desk w/chair, and a TV with cable access. The TV is tuned permanently to the Food Network. You may watch only shows featuring cookies and cookie by-products.

If you are interested in this arrangement, please submit the following:

1) Your favorite cookie recipe
2) A picture of tasty cookies
3) A short original poem about cookies

Thank you.

86 at B’way google map yahoo map

photo credit: lasuprema on flickr

Saturday, August 30, 2008

OH. MY. GOD. (or possibly, Satan)

Okay, so we had a weird encounter with this dude. Fine. It happens all the time. I checked my account today and found a new response from The Naturalizer:

I would like to invite you to ponder some of the final things in life. Remember life is short. As such, I would like to invite you to accept Jesus as your Lord & Savior. The Bible states that everyone has fallen short and sinned and is therefore subject to eternal damnation unless they accept Jesus as their savior. Check out the following link and websites:

http://www.satansrapture.com/salvation.htm

They explain it better than I can... Best of luck..if you check them out.

Wait...WHAT?

No, really. WHAT THE FUCK, Y'ALL?!?!?

First of all, this website is FUCKING BONKERS, and I couldn't really tell if it was pro- or anti-Jesus at first (I believe it to be pro-Jesus).

Second, what kind of evangelical strategy is this? It's SO time-consuming. I assume they have some sort of setup wherein they respond to all the Missed Connections and use it as a jumping-off point, but this DOES NOT EXPLAIN the hairy armpit thing. At all. Like...I am just so, so baffled right now.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Virgin Sacrifices and Other Unlikely Events



ALEX. oh speaking of which i had a weird thing last night
ALEX. this is a little bit of a non-story, i'm going to warn you
FRANKIE. ok
ALEX. we were closing the store
ALEX. and this dude was standing by the register
ALEX. (which i was closing)
ALEX. while his friend used the bathroom
ALEX. and i'm, like, counting money
FRANKIE. ok
ALEX. and he asks me:
ALEX. "have you ever considered joining a sorority?"
ALEX. and i'm like "um"
ALEX. "what?"
ALEX. and then he repeats himself or whatever
ALEX. and i'm like "i'm not in college"
ALEX. "also: go away, because i feel like you are trying to get me to join your freaky cult"
ALEX. (but not that last part)
ALEX. and he's like "well it doesn't have to be that kind of sorority..."
ALEX. and then he says a bunch of other stuff
ALEX. that makes it sound like he's leading up to asking me to sacrifice cornish hens
ALEX. and i'm, like, freaked
FRANKIE. WHAT
ALEX. i can't really remember what else was said
ALEX. but my lasting impression was that he was actually just HITTING ON ME
ALEX. and trying to strike up a convo
ALEX. in literally the weirdest way ever
ALEX. while i am trying to count money to close the register
ALEX. and i feel like i was kind of rude to him
ALEX. but he was cute
ALEX. and now i'm like "what?"
FRANKIE. ok that is super weird
ALEX. what he said was that his friends and he were having a conversation
ALEX. about how groups like sororities downplay individuality
ALEX. but that they can have a really positive impact on people
ALEX. so they were trying to think how a group like that could work for "non-joiners"
ALEX. who want to retain their individuality
ALEX. while also being part of a community
...
FRANKIE. huh
...
ALEX. why am i telling you all of this
ALEX. i told you it was a non-story
ALEX. it might have still been a cult
FRANKIE. no, i think it's a story
FRANKIE. but yes, most likely a cult
ALEX. anyway i was thinking of posting a missed connection for him

===

"have you ever considered joining a sorority?" - w4m - 26 (downtown coffeeshop)
Reply to: *************@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-28, 12:59PM CDT


... is the question you asked me while I was trying to close the register last night. I was pretty convinced that you were trying to recruit me for your virgin-sacrificing cult, but after you left, it occurred to me that maybe you were flirting with me?

Sorry if I was a little stand-offish. I was trying to count 20's. And, you know, avoid the occult.

===

ALEX. should i be googling "the occult" at work?
ALEX. i'm writing an MC
ALEX. (sends link)
ALEX. is that offensive?
FRANKIE. i don't think that's offensive
ALEX. am i going to get nasty emails from a coven of 19-year-old wiccans?
ALEX. can i say coven?
ALEX. now i'm googling coven
ALEX. i'm going to get fired

===

ALEX. i'm posting on the blog now
ALEX. highlights from this convo are included
ALEX. though you seriously have like three lines
ALEX. due to my excessive talking
FRANKIE. there are no small parts, only small actors

photo credit bitzcelt

You Make Me Feel Like a Natural...WOMANNNNN



I received a response to one of my recent MC's (I don't know which one, and I don't know that it matters, really) that I had to respond to. What transpired...well, it serves me right, I guess.


Him:
8/22, 11:54pm: Are you a natural girl (don't shave your armpits)? or are you open to not shaving? I find women that are natural and don't shave at all very attractive. I am 31 and live in [neighborhood near mine]. Email me if you are interested in chatting further. I have pics. to share...


Me:
8/25, 7:52pm: I don’t shave anything if I can help it. Send pics and let’s chat more.


Him:
8/25, 7:58pm: So how old are you? Where do you live? Here is a pic. taken at work...please send a pic
8/25, 8:15pm: So did you receive my pic?
8/25, 8:36pm: So are you interested in chatting further?
8/25, 9:14pm: Are you going to respond? I sent a pic.
8/26, 9:52pm: so?
8/27, 8:25pm: So where is your pic? You received mine. What is wrong with you?

What IS wrong with me?

Monday, August 18, 2008

Outside. You and me. Right now.


You: plaid-shirted server at my favorite out-of-the-way, moderately priced eatery
Me: girl at the head of the table of giggling women and one man

You kicked my foot, but you apologized/were cute, so I was fine with it. I will, however, take you down (if you're into that kind of thing). You may have overheard the part where the one gentleman at our table (the S.O. of one of our intimidating number) told a story re: someone shitting herself during a race. This is our idea of classy dinner conversation.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Stop Being So Distractingly Attractive, Guitarist for Baby Wants Candy - w4m

I wanted to watch a Meals on Wheels driver fuck an old lady, not be dazzled by your adorableness.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Accentuate the Positive

You: 5 adorable boys from various parts of the former British Empire
Us: 2 ladies who were (probably very obviously) eavesdropping on you to hear your accents

When you first walked in, my friend wrote on her Blackberry, "They're cute, so they're probably gay." Then, when we realized you weren't Yankees, we realized that maybe you were just stylish because you were from a country where style in a man does not necessarily go hand-in-hand with man-love. That's when we started listening. At some point, I said, "You know, we could just ASK them where they're from." My friend did so, and we learned that one of you was Australian and the rest of you "just wish they were."

If you need some tour guides, let us know.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Express* what you've got, oh baby, ready or not


When: this morning, half an hour after I was supposed to have been at work (9:30)
Where: Uptown 4 train between Union Square and Grand Central
You: Blonde dude in a red t-shirt and jeans. Your outfit - definitely a look that said "I am either unemployed, or work in the tech industry" - was rather nondescript, actually, but for the AMAZING HAT you were wearing. You looked like a member of the Buena Vista Social Club...but cute. And not old. Or Cuban.
Me: Flustered-looking girl in a brown dress that could have been a costume on Charlie's Angels, listening to "Jordan, Jesse, GO" on my iPod and chuckling occasionally between stealing glances at you. I'm glad I was late today.

UPDATE, 5:52pm:

I've gotten one response to this ad today, and it appears to be someone trying to promote YET ANOTHER missed connections-type site: Missed Kisses. I have several problems with this site, but honestly, the biggest one is the use of Comic Sans, which to me always makes a website look like an 8th grade class project from 1997.


*For non-New York readership: the 4 train is an express train, particularly useful on this fine morning, since I was running late.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Not Technically a Missed Connection, but Just as Gross


Frankie and her roommates said:

This futon has served us well, but alas, we have come into possession of a slightly better couch, and just don't have room for this one any longer! It's in fine condition, but definitely used - we just want it to go to a good home.

- Solid wood construction
- Light pine finish
- Black cushion (don't worry, nothing untoward has happened here...sadly)
- Only moderately drink-stained armrests

This is perfect for someone who just needs quick furniture and isn't terribly concerned with looks - you can tell it's a couple years old. But it's comfy, functional, and folds out into a bed. What more could you want from a futon? Just come pick it up (with some buddies) and it's all yours.

Some perv said:

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

Oh my gawd my prayers have been answered I need that my bed is so old that the springs are coming out of the top! Has your bed seen action? Any "love" stains on it? If not can you provide me with some? I love to bury my head on the stains and sniff until I pass out. I can't get anyone to provide me with fresh stains anymore cause of the condition of the bed. Well where and when? I must have this!

I'll double your asking price if you can provide the stains! But beware I will smell for authenticity before I pay you and take it away. What do you say
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Friday, August 1, 2008

Best of Missed Connections

Oh I love the summer- kids skipping in every playground, cuties out with their petite pups and even more Craigslist goodness. I guess as the clothes come off, people feel less inhibited in their virtual worlds as well...check it.

Sexiest trashman ever! - w4m

I know you probably get this a lot, but you are the hottest garbage man I have ever seen. Every Tuesday, I wait at my window desperately at 8:00 AM waiting for you. I love your strong muscles; not matter how heavy my waste is, you have no problem lifting it. Sometimes I hide bricks in there just so I can see your sweaty big muscles in real action. You may know my house specifically because I always leave my old lingerie lying on top of all my other trash. I put it out there for you, you know. I want you to have them. Don't worry, I spray a little perfume on them before I toss them so they don't smell anymore. Anyway, if you like what you see in my trash, come inside sometime, there will be plenty more of where that came from. ;)
Love,
Your Secret Admirer
P.S. I'm single with no kids. All the diapers are from my grandmother who lives with me.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Because we (obviously) need ANOTHER internet addiction...

Through a tip from a friend I met on another addictive internet site, I give you this:

ny.subwaycrush.com

Not as time-sucking as the regular Craigslist MC's, but still good to know it exists.

why does this never happen to me// anyone, except in Meg Ryan movies

I came across this in my sometimes nightly cl overview (which, honestly, includes the missed connections, but also the pet section and me looking for mid-century furniture). Is it totally wrong that it kinda brought a small tear to my eye? I am a little weepy lately. And seriously what a BUMMER for this woman, but good for her, for writing this so many years on.


Troy, It's been almost 8 years - w4m - 31 (LaGuardia Marriott)

We both stayed at the LGA Marriott regularly on business, you on the 6th floor in the Executive Suites and me usually on the 2nd or 3rd. Our eyes would often lock as we passed each other in the lobby. Your over 6-foot, sexy, mocha brown frame was such a gorgeous sight to behold so early in the morning before I had to facilitate a testing session in one of the lower level conference rooms. I saw you in shorts one day and nearly died. My friend Juany, one of the customer service reps, gave me your name and told me that you were a frequent guest.

We almost connected on one visit. It was late and we were both in the hotel bar sitting directly across from one another but before we had the chance to conversate, some surfer dude spoiled the fun by trying to hit on me. I got really drunk off cherry daquiris while you watched amused as I tried to get rid of the guy. You followed me onto the elevator where we were finally alone. You asked me if I was calling it a night. Unable to trust myself in my inebriation I mumbled something seemingly intelligible in reply before scurrying off to my room. I really wanted to invite you to come with me. If my room had have been on a higher floor I might have.

You left early the next morning so I gave one of the bellhops my business card to pass on to you. You must have got it because the next day as I prepared to depart on the airport shuttle you motioned to me through the window. You mouthed a question, "when are you coming back?" I replied in two weeks and you smiled. That was the last time I saw you. I didn't make it back for almost 5 weeks and by the time I did you were gone.

I left that job four months later and haven't been back to NYC since. I've thought about you and what might have been though. I even wrote and sent in a crazy poem about you to my local radio station's "Crazy Reasons To Go To New York" contest and won plane tickets but I let them expire.

I'm wondering if you're still single and if there is still a chance...

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Guys. This is Getting Silly.


Regular readers of the blog may remember Versatile Fun: The Saga of Jared and Ernest: A Gay Stalker Love Story,* as a somewhat terrifying, yet also amusing warning against the evils of messing with someone on the internet.


So it seems that Ernest's incessant posting on the Missed Connections board has turned into incessant emailing of "Jared," but with little real content. The content is what makes it fun to read, though...these emails are just sort of sad:


July 19


Jared,

Have a happy Madison Gay Pride week-end!**

:-)

Ernest


July 21


:-)


July 29


I miss your smiling face!


I'm a terrible person.


*This is what the title of this adventure would be if there were a cable network equivalent to Lifetime, but for aging gays instead of middle-aged women (and 20-somethings who watch it "ironically"but actually really liked Video Voyeur: The Susan Wilson Story).

**Apparently this email was sent from 1907, when they spelled things "week-end," "to-morrow," and "base-ball."

A note on the photo on this post:
This is the first image that appears when you search "gay stalker" on flickr. Incidentally, my sister sent me a greeting card with this image once in which she pointed out that he looked like Hugh Jackman. Her roommates said "Jesus was gay?" and "Hot jeans."
photo courtesy of patricking

Monday, July 28, 2008

Why Can't I Have a Hot Neighbor?

We share a wall - m4w - 23 (Madison)
Reply to: ***************@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-27, 9:32PM CDT

You and I share a wall, call each other sometimes when we are too lazy to walk over. Sometimes I cuddle with your kitty. You make some mean patatas bravas!

You are pretty damn hot and enjoy some late night Dateline. I appreciate you more than you know. Email me if you want to brown chicken brown cow in the hallway sometime!!!


===

connecting wall... - w4m - 31 (brownstone)
Reply to: ***************@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-27, 10:07PM CDT

you, hot sexy gardener with a love of cartoons and craigslist!!! me, broke retail associate clinging to her self respect. brown chicken brown cow me sometime i'll bring the potatas bravas you bring the ulitmate nachos and we'll have a meal made in heaven. knock 3 times on the wall when you're ready to meet. ditto with the appreciation.....

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Couches on the Lawn

My friends had a yard sale today and I stopped by to help drink their lemonade. At one point in the afternoon, a cute dude rode by on his bike and smiled at me. I smiled back and then looked down, shyly.

A moment later, I looked back up and he was still smiling at me and continued smiling until he was out of view.

Hollah back, craigslist!

===
couches on the lawn - w4m - 26
Reply to: ****************@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-27, 3:06PM CDT

when: sunday afternoon, around 2pm
where: _______ st., near the hardware store
you: reddish hair, riding a bicycle
me: blonde hair, cut-off jeans, lounging on a $15 couch at a yard sale in my friends' front yard

we smiled at each other for a borderline ridiculous length of time. you should have stopped by-- i might have been able to score you a deal on some bing crosby records.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Wait, Is This All You Have to Do?

Is this all you have to do to get someone to write a missed connection post about you? Well, why didn't you just say so!

===

To the girl who rubbed my face on her boobs - m4w (the duck pond)
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-12, 10:24AM CDT

Sorry if I was a little unresponsive, I was a little drunk and not actually used to girls volunteering to rub their boobs on my face (I know, I know, I don't know what's wrong with me either). Anyways, they were very nice boobs, you made my night!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Jared Has Still Not Been Murdered, But I'm Starting to Worry

First, this happened.

Then, there was this.

Since I am now physically in the same city as Alex and could ostensibly do the stakeout we considered in earlier incarnations of this saga, I thought I'd take a look-see in the old Gay Stalker email account and check on our friend Ernest.

He has emailed again, unprovoked.

Jared,

You should come over for a beer sometime! I don't get to see you anymore in the mornings as my schedule changed at work. Hope you are well you sexy guy. Let me know if you want me to make you feel good! I aim to please.

Your not so secret admirer,
Ernest


Y'all. I do not want to exacerbate this problem. But I also feel slightly responsible for the emotional well-being of this obviously lonely soul who now thinks that Jared a) knows exactly who he is and b) is consciously ignoring his pleas for attention.

What do I do?

Also, on an unrelated note, I'd just like to point out that Ernest's first email included such phrases as "suck your cock," while this email simply invites Jared over for a beer. Mysterious.

****

UPDATE 7/11/08:

Alex and I went on a recon mission to the 7-11, just to see what was going on there. The results:
- they have $0.59 sodas (any size) all summer long
- someone named "Chris" who is definitely not latino and is also approx. 14 years old works there
- we are not good at deducing the difference between "I am leaving at 10 [PM because that is the end of my shift]" and "I am leaving at 10 [AM because that is when I am going on a road trip]." The aforementioned employee apparently meant the latter, but we thought he meant the former, because when we went back to the 7-11, with an additional team member in tow, after 10pm, under the impression that Jared would have shown up, Chris was still there. Still no sign of Jared.

We did, however, drive past Ernest's house.

Friday, July 4, 2008

I Hope These Are For Each Other

Apt. #309 - m4w

Reply to: ************@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-03, 4:26PM CDT

You are beautiful!


=============================

#207 in my apartment building - w4m

Reply to: ************@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-04, 9:58AM CDT

207 in my apartment complex your hot! I just wanted to say that we have been neighbors for a year and I think your hot and every time I talk to you, you are super nice! I am sad to know that your moving out this year. To bad we never turned in to anything it would have been fun. We have a lot in common. I was always to shy to see if you wanted to hang out. You seem like such a great guy, I wish I would have gotten to know you better. You should have asked me to go fishing with you!


***UPDATE***

#207 in my apartment building - w4m - m4w - 24


Reply to: ************@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-04, 5:10PM CDT

You should knock on #219 sometime. Especially if you're hot, and like watching movies in HD.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Cause we need more reasons to show up in a creepster's Google search

I simply couldn't help it...this one was too good.

To the girl with the vagina - m4w (Upper East Side)

You are a girl, so I am pretty sure you have a vagina. The whole time I was thinking about talking to you, I was also thinking about your sweet, sweet vagina.

Vagina, vagina, vagina! The word flows off of the tongue like some sort of pagan incantation of carnal delight. I would have loved it if you had wanted me to stick my ding-dong in your furry cookie.

If you read this, and you are interested, send me an e-mail. (I know, no one reads these, right!?) But if it is you, describe your vagina to me in detail so I know it is you. Just to be safe, you should also describe your breasts. (Not to be a creep, but I want to be certain that it is you.)

Well no, you certainly don't want to come off as a creep.

Monday, June 30, 2008

The Arbiter of Class Has Spoken

On CL, I posted:

you were tending bar wearing a black shirt with a grey image of new england on the back and a pocket on the front. i was sitting at the bar on an awkward, awkward date. i wished i was sitting there alone so i could talk to you about betazoids some more. i would have left you my number, but that seems like it might be bad form, me being on a date and all.

John wrote:
I'm not sure what I'm doing answering someone else's missed connection, but seems like they are just too common these days. I assume this was friday night? I'm not him... but I know who you are talking about.I'm not sure if he has a girlfriend but I do know he is a real nice guy... Anyway, Friday isn't his normal shift.Think he'd remember you?

Frankie wrote:
whoa, weird - he might remember me. we talked briefly about how the other bartender (a super cool blonde girl) was a betazoid, and about gene roddenberry's wife. i was attempting to be on a date with a guy whose biggest claim to fame was that he was once the rebound guy of carrot top. my date was a nice guy, not my style.

i realized it's not terribly classy to try to a) pick up bartenders or b) try to pick up bartenders while you're on a date. is it any classier to use the missed connections? maybe not...

John wrote:
I'm not going to decide what's classy and what isn't... Was that a blind date? So, do you want another shot at this bartender?

Frankie wrote:
Thank God you're not the arbiter of class. I know I'm certainly not.

I do, in fact, want another shot. He's adorable, and the art in the bar that he made is awesome. I realize that posting a missed connection, as opposed to just going back to the bar and saying "Hey," is probably the weak move, but I kind of wanted to see if it would work.

And yes, it was a blind date.

John wrote:
I not an arbiter of class nor a liaison for the missed connections of the world... I am, however, a fan of that bar.Maybe he will read your post and respond... I'd say that's a longshot.So, his name is Jim. He normally works Tues and Sunday... I'd say if you rolled in there either of those days, early evening, you'd have a pretty good shot at talking him up.You going to do it?

Well...am I?

Saturday, June 28, 2008

I Should Have Opted for the Moderately Good Tacos


This isn't technically a missed connection, but it does involve Craigslist. And I have no other appropriate outlet. So here you go.

My roommate and I both occasionally answer the regular "personals" section of Craigslist, with varied success, but only I have posted such ads. Last week, I was so inspired, and wrote an ad that, suffice to say, was infused with the wit and charm I regularly bring to the virtual table. And of course, an admission of petty larceny (for the extra sexy factor). I received a slew of responses, most of which were dismissable

hah i love stelaing the glasses that a good beer is served in lol williamsburg here

or disturbing

I know this is outrageous and utterly off the point, but might you have an interest in a little strap-on play with an attractive, sane male ( i know i know) in lower Manhattan? It's something I've wanted to try for a while and, well, isnt that what CL is for?

There were a few normal-seeming ones, to which I responded (using a nom de web) with a picture.* The responses to that went through one more round of cuts, and I ended up with two viable options.

The one I thought to be a more likely successful suitor turned out not to be, strangely; mostly, I thought he was on my level looks-wise and wit-wise, which is good. Too much variation in one direction on the part of either party** causes both frustration and spirals of self-doubt. But after a few emails, we both lost interest, I guess.

Which left me with Seth. From his photo, he looked cute - a little too cute, maybe - and he was an acceptable age, and appeared to have higher-than-normal movie referencing skills (which I appreciate). From my subsequent Google stalking, I learned that he is 6'2" and single*** and has a podcast (which I made a conscious decision not to peruse prior to our meeting).

We agreed to meet (on a Friday, no less, which we all know is Date Night) after work before I had some plans at around 9. He lives in the area near where my plans were to take place, so we met at a local bar he suggested. Fine.

First impression: so much more awkward in person than online - but that's par for the course, I suppose, with internet personalities. And less cute than I thought, which settled my nerves a bit. Too-attractive men make me very suspicious.

We got to talking - let me rephrase: he got to talking, and didn't stop for an appreciable amount of time until the date ended a couple hours later. At first, I attributed this trait to nerves, but as the night wore on, I started to realize that this dude just likes to talk. Which is fine. So do I. But seriously. Ask a question of your conversational partner. Just one. It's that simple. But no, he continued to talk about himself, his job, the music he likes (PIXIES OMGAMAZING), and soccer. Oh, he loved him some soccer. Which I know literally zero about except that David Beckham is one fine piece of man, and that the fans are rowdies, so I didn't have much to add to the conversation.

Choice incidents include:
Him: I just don't know why the New York soccer team doesn't promote themselves more. I mean, their best player is a really good-looking guy.
Me: That seems like an obvious way to go.
Him: I mean, really good-looking. Like, he has this really good body, and this baby face, and he's Colombian, so he's sort of exotic-looking...you know what? Let me just show you a picture.

At this point, he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a picture of the guy in a frame.

Just kidding. He pulled out his iPhone, and the guy was the wallpaper photo on his iPhone, shirtless, and dripping wet.

Okay, that's a lie too. He actually just pulled out his iPhone to Google the dude and show me his picture. But still. And as I said, "Yes, he's a pretty man," Seth says, "Yeah, he used to have longer hair. It was terrible."

Okay, so now we've got:
1. socially awkward
2. weirdly talkative
3. possibly gay, or just gay for this particular dude

Bartender: Well, my friend Sonny is dating Patrick Stewart, so...
Him: One time, I dated this girl, and I was the rebound guy for Carrot Top.
Me: WHAT?
Him: Yeah, she had just broken up with him. Apparently, he's super nice and down to earth, and has an amazing body, and a huge penis.
Me: Uh...and a lustrous head of red hair?

So NOW we have:
1. socially awkward
2. weirdly talkative
3. possibly gay for soccer dude AND Carrot Top
4. borderline obsessed with dudes' bodies
5. not really aware of what is/is not necessary information upon a first meeting

By the time we'd had two beers, I:
- heard where he took his friend to dinner in Milwaukee, accompanied by a story
- heard the story about the time his buddy tried to find Camp Randall
- knew his Top Five Non-Doolittle Pixies Songs That He Would Like to Hear As Options on Rock Band
- learned how High Fidelity the movie is better than High Fidelity the novel because he "related to it more" because he's from Chicago
- was ridiculed for not knowing that "Paint It Black" is the song played at the end of both The Devil's Advocate**** and Full Metal Jacket
-
wished I was literally sitting at the bar alone so that I could talk to the cute bartender

At this point, I was not angry, or sad, that I'd showed up for the date, but I was fine with it being over. Thing was, he knew that I had a party at 9, and it was only 8:30, and I couldn't figure out a way to extricate myself. So when he said, "want to get some food?" I thought, at least he can't talk with food in his mouth.

Him: Do you want the kind-of-good tacos or the really good tacos?
Me: Uh, the really good tacos, obviously.
Him: Okay. We'll have to get on the bus then.

We rode the bus for 20 minutes to get what were, admittedly, very good tacos, but I was left with many questions in my mind:
1. why did you take me so far away from the place I needed to be, a place you knew I needed to be?
2. why do you still want to hang out with me? Am I really that good at pretending to be interested in something someone is saying?
3. why didn't you pay for my $4 of tacos? Or at least offer? I'm a modern woman and all, but dude...it's $4.

We missed the bus back to where we needed to go, so we took the subway instead, and he got off a stop before me, leaping out of the doors like a tall, moderately cute, sort of douchey, but not douchey enough to really hate gazelle.

Then I went and played Catchphrase with my friends. Thank God.

*It's going to happen eventually, y'all, so I like to get it over with ASAP.
**Usually me. Too smart, but not thin enough.
***Or says he is on okcupid, which I took to mean "at least 5'10" and has a fuckbuddy"
****Though I did get some sort of pass for not having seen this one "because Keanu Reeves is in it...I mean, come on."

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Jared Has Not Been Murdered

Maybe this situation just worked itself out. Or possibly this is the worst thing ever.

Jared,
Thanks for the complimentary sodas every morning this week. It helps with my Diet Pepsi addiction and to stay awake at work every morning! Well, now you know who your secret admirer is, as if you didn't all ready have a notion. Would love to return the favor and pleasure your fine body sometime! Hehe! You brighten up my day and keep me shopping at 7-11 even more.
Take care, stay awake and don't work too hard,
Ernest


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

You Probably Don't Even Play the Kazoo


Lord knows we've had our fair share of cases of mistaken identity around the blog, but usually in those cases, the respondent says something like "this could be me," while probably knowing full well it's not, or something like "this isn't for me, but I liked your post," or just act generally like a crazy person.

But this may be an unprecedented situation. Someone responded with FULL CONFIDENCE that my post was directed at him. I'm pretty sure it's a scam, but then, I think everything is a scam, pretty much.

The thing about this one is that it wasn't one of our "I saw you on the train and you had a shirt on" or "You have hair and are a man"-type general posts that could apply to hundreds or possibly thousands of individuals. This was a very specific person at a very specific venue:

Subject: Sunglass-Wearing Ukulele Player at JoCo Concert – m4w – 27

I want to celebrate the First of May with you...all night long.

That was it. The whole post. Either you were playing the ukulele at the concert wearing sunglasses, or you weren't. Simple, right?

I received one response:

Wow, you must mean me!!! Cool. I'm not sure who you are though. Could you send me your picture. This is so cool. I didn't think Missed Connections really worked, but I always read them anyway.

There was a picture attached. Of a dude who was CLEARLY not the ukulele player. (Though as my friend with whom I went to the concert said, "Well, I guess it's possible that it was him. He was wearing the universal disguise. He could have been anyone under those shades. Just be lucky he didn't reveal himself as Brad Pitt; I hear he's kind of a home-wrecker.") That said, the best description of the ukulele player is "hot, tall Israeli army member," maybe like this guy but a little less pretty. The man in the picture might be described as having brown hair and being so boring-looking as to rhgulilrgshAUSGVkagjnadsfgdfgddffhj,,,,,,,,,,,

Sorry. I fell asleep on my keyboard trying to describe him.

I have a couple of issues with this reply.
1. This is so obviously some sort of boilerplate text with no identifying information whatsoever. One would think that a ukulele player would, at the very least, say something about his ukulele.
2. If you're going to reply to an ad that is obviously not meant for you, why include a picture? You're immediately busted! At least make the picture someone hot or interesting.
3. Three exclamation points? Really? It's that exciting?
4. What purpose could this possibly serve? I mean, it's not like he can write me back and be like, "In order to get my phone number, you need to transfer some money via MoneyGram" or something. I mean, I suppose he could, but that doesn't seem likely.

So I wrote him back.

wow, cool! what was the name of that one song you guys played?

It's been a couple of days and no response. Apparently even spammers don't like me.

flickr photo credits: violentz, anarchistsarepretty

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

How to Find Us on Google, Pt. II

As previously blogged by Frankie, we're able to see the google search terms that bring our fair readers to this site. Most of the time we forget to check them, but last night I decided to take a peek.

Here are a few gems that I've unearthed just for you:


Fetish-related
  • "long island foot fetish" (6 different people searched for this)
  • "chicago foot fetish" (a few of these, too)
  • "hoboken foot fetish"
  • "is foot fetish normal"
  • about 900 zillion other foot-fetish-related searches
  • more than one variation of "lobster fetish"
  • "ultra-sound testicular fetish" (I just threw up in my mouth)

Advice / Questions
  • "why boyfriend needs a craigslist account" (he's cheating on you) (or selling his guitar)
  • "my boyfriend opened a craigslist account" (clearly a growing problem)
  • "situations that women find sexy"
  • "how to find sexy roommates"
  • "i want a sexy roommates" (read this out loud with a fake Italian accent)
  • "what is called sexy part of man?" (what IS called sexy part of man? what is called?)

Gym Crushes
  • "what to say to guy at gym" (how about "you seem very... skilled and agile")
  • "how to tell if the guy at the gym likes me"
  • "how to talk to a cute guy at the gym"
  • "does he like me gym guy"
  • "guy knows i like him and i see him same time at the gym"
  • "gym guy finally talk to me" (are you trying to communicate with him via google searches?)
  • "lot of guys approaching me at the gym" (you and me both, girl! ... no, wait, just you)
  • "when older guys come up to you at the gym what do you do"

WTF

  • "koala bikini for hot man" (Frankie: "I'm crafting one this weekend. For man(kind).")
  • "man pulls train with ponytail" (I just... have no comment on this whatsoever.)
  • "sexy nurses vs. sexy librarians" (perhaps the oldest dilemma faced by humankind)
  • "hotman sexy man" (Sasha: "pet name for my future bf")

Monday, June 23, 2008

I Think You Misunderstood What I Meant By "Slurpee"


All names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty).

The backstory, via gchat:

Alex: this dude has literally posted like 18 missed connection ads for Jared at the 7-11. he's the one who started off like "hey Jared, let me know if you're single, i think you're cute" and he's been getting increasingly forward until now he's like "I WANT TO HAVE VERSATILE FUN WITH YOU I WANT TO PLEASE YOU SEXUALLY"
in his latest post he didn't say 'Jared' and he wrote "respond with your name so i know it's you"
except everyone knows his name because he's literally posted like 85 ads
ok that is all
continue with your work day and/or versatile fun
Frankie: HAHAHA
i'm going to respond
Alex: yessss
Frankie: as "jared-711@gmail.com” or some other moniker
Alex: HAHAHAHA
Frankie: oh wait i forgot i can't be signed into gmail as 2 people
this is happening NOW
i'm like supposed to leave my temp job
and am not
lol

So I sent this email, from an address that included the name “Jared” and the number “69”:


Jared wrote:
i think your CL ad might be for me. my name's Jared, i work at the 7-11 on [xyz street] (across from the [well-known apartment complex]). are you hot? send me a pic.

Then I forwarded it to Alex.

Frankie: i'm an internet jerk
Alex: OMG
THAT IS SO MEAN
but seriously
if he goes in there EVERY MORNING
why is he posting 87 sexually explicit ads for the dude?
actually i don't even know if it's mean
maybe you're doing him a favor
he'll go in tomorrow and be SUPER flirty
and maybe he'll get some action
you should tell him
some clue
like something to say to Jared
so that he knows it's him or something
hahaha
Frankie: LOL
oh dear
ok i really am going to go now
keep stayin late to fuck with people online

The next day, I had two emails in “Jared’s” inbox:
The first was sent literally ONE MINUTE after I sent my response:

Jared,

Yes, the ad is for you. I am an older guy, 53 y/o that likes younger Latino guys. Would love to get together with you and at least suck you off if you are into that and anything else that you would like. If you are still interested I will send you a picture.

Ernest



The next was sent about 12 hours later, at 5:36am:

God Morning Jared,

If you are horny later today, I will suck your cock, rim you and you can even fuck me if you want. I am versatile and into pleasure. I live pretty close to the store and have a private place. I am very discreet and will never bug you at work. Hope you are into having some fun. Let me know.


I was terrified now that I was going to get poor Jared in trouble with a possibly-psycho stalker dude. So I enlisted resident sage Sasha to weigh in on the dilemma:

Frankie: ok so Alex and i have possibly done something not kosher on CL
well, mostly me
she just sent me the ad
and i think i need your wisdom
Sasha: oh god
you're obviously giving me too much credit
[at this point, I told her what had occurred, which you all know already, so I won't bore you with repeating it]
Sasha: no way!
you are insane
slash my hero
Frankie: so NOW
he has emailed "Jared" TWICE
since 6pm yesterday
Sasha: well OBVI!
i mean he's in love (lust) with this dude
Frankie: and the first response was like "yes, this ad is for you"
and the second was like "i will suck your cock and rim you"
no pics
thank god
Sasha: WHAT?!
Frankie: and dude is 53 years old
Sasha: OMG OMG OMG
this is insane
ok well at first i thought he was cute
not i'm thinking this dude's pretty creepy
Frankie: yeah
so now i think i need to be like "sorry, i don't like old dudes, please don't bother me at work"
i don't want anyone getting punched
Sasha: well but you can't speak for Jared
i mean maybe he likes old dudes
Frankie: i was thinking maybe i could be like "please just come talk to me at the store and act like these emails never happened"
but then if he gets rejected, what if he is crazy and like kills Jared or something?
Sasha: yeah that's what i was thinking at first too
but i don't see it being that extreme
Frankie: i have opened a pandora's box
Sasha: maybe it's best to send an i'm sorry i was lying
i'm not the same dude
Frankie: yeah, maybe that is best
Sasha: and then immediately destroy said email account
Frankie: but like...will he believe that?
Sasha: this guy's pretty intense
Frankie: or will he just assume it's a rejection anyway?
i am a terrible person
Sasha: no you're not
i mean it was supposed to be a funny little joke
this guy is just basically creepy
i guess you could email him and say you have a boyfriend
but you are very flattered and that’s why you responded
Frankie: i def cannot say i'm the wrong dude
because i said i worked at the 7-11
on [xyz street]
i guess i will say i have a bf
Sasha: i think that's best
that's what i would do
Frankie: you are wise
Sasha: not that wise
but when you paint yourself into a corner like that
it's fine!
wait what did Alex do?
Frankie: oh, she just sent me the ad
she is 1% culpable
or like 0.1%
Sasha: haha
well it's an estimation

This was the result:

Jared wrote:
Hi Ernest,

I'm flattered, but I do have a boyfriend, and I don't know if he'd be into it or not. Thanks anyway.


Ernest wrote:

Jared,

Thanks for being so blunt with me. You are still so hot and I will still shop at your store. See if you can guess who I am? he he! Anyway if you ever get horny and lonely drop me a line. I am always here to please hot young Latino guys, I have references!

Ernest




So hopefully no one has been murdered as a result. I'm never* doing anything like this again.






*void where prohibited, or when I find something really interesting.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Sometimes I'm Happy When the Connections are Missed

Saw you on Brooklyn Bridge, with some guy? ? ? ? Sunday. - m4w - 27 (The Brooklyn Bridge ? ? ?? )

You were on the Brooklyn Bridge, posing for a lot of photos. You kept saying they made you look like a hamster (loudly). The dude you were with was fat, gay.

Me: disheveled guy you thought was homeless, talking into imaginary cellphone.

Coffee?? ? ? ?

Maybe make out ?
------------------------------------------

Oh yeah this guy's a winner- you go get him girl!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Kiss Bye Hope to Haire From You

In lieu of posting my own craigslist attempts at romance, I will simply mock the attempts of others. Actually, I'm not really mocking this guy-- it sounds like English is not his first language, in which case I applaud his sweet, valiant, and hilarious attempt.

===

you past by me at e main around lunch time - m4w (sabway e main)
Reply to: *********@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-02, 2:38PM CDT

i siled to you and so you did .we even sad hi to eache other you went to the capitole . i falawed you but was to shy to come and speack.hop you will read this .you don t look like someone reading messed connection .baut maybe you do just to know wath s around there .by the way you wher dressed withe and brown i beleve or ether balck i don t rialy remamber you eyes got all my intention kiss bye hope to haire from you .if not i hope you will stop by the sab an other day

Center of the Universe

One of the saddest things about Craigslist-- and there are many sad things-- is when someone posts an incredibly vague message that could be about almost anyone and ninety-three people publicly respond, certain that the message is for them. It makes me cringe to see how unabashedly self-centered human nature can be.

===

Jen... - m4w (West of Madison)
Reply to: *********@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-09, 8:35PM CDT

There is something that simply makes me smile. I know nothing will ever come from this but had to say your cool, great smile and oh so cute!! Just take it as a compliment, smile and keep being you. Thanks for letting me share!


Re: Jen... - w4m (West of Madison)
Reply to: *********@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-10, 8:35AM CDT

Oooh! I read craigslist as a hobby. Is this Dave? (David?)


Re: Re: Jen... - w4m (West of Madison)
Reply to: *********@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-10, 8:39AM CDT

No goofy, that wasn't me :) You get back to work up there in oshkosh.


Re: Re: Re: Jen... - w4m (West of Madison)
Reply to: *********@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-10, 8:55AM CDT

I don't work in Oshkosh...


Re: Re: Re: Re: Jen... - w4m (West of Madison)
Reply to: *********@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-10, 10:06AM CDT

Then i'm the wrong Dave/David on the west side of madison who has connections to a different Jen that would have thought it was about them. Who reads craigslist as a hobby.

Damnit. I fell for the craigslist "zomg is that about me" trap!

I hope this is entertaining others at least.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Making Connections out of Missed Connections

I found these 2 posts today and I wanted to (virtually) wave my hands, point and shout "Over there - look over there!"

May 21- Emily from NYU - m4w- (Williamsburg)
It was nice talking...

May 21 - Frankie on the L, Morgan Stop - w4m
maybe you can find me and we can talk some more? I was supposed to get off at Lorimer, but I didn't want to get up. The superheroes were not so happy.
- emily

These have to be a match right? I mean perhaps there were 2 MC's today on the L train with someone named Emily OR maybe Emily goes around chatting up every cute hipster East of 1st Avenue, but I have faith people! Maybe this makes me a hopeless romantic OR maybe this makes me a creepy stalker who spends too much time online trying to decode Craigslist. My guess is it's somewhere in between the 2.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Hot Hot Heat

Jalapeño Birthday - w4m - 26

We were sitting at adjacent tables and you gave me a jalapeño pepper for my birthday. It was not actually my birthday nor was it actually a jalapeño pepper (our waiter said it was a Serrano), but it was still a nice thought.

Maybe next time we can sit at the same table?

===

UPDATE:

From: Jalapeño Dude
To: Alex
Subject: Jalapeño Birthday

Greetings,

One of my associates brought this to my attention today.

I was wearing a black hooded sweatshirt, and I promised to get you a better present next year. My promise still holds.

what a strange universe.

- ******

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Ponytail 2.0 & How I Will Soon Be Forced to Frequent Another Gym

Crunch - 2:30pm -Modelesque Man who loves himself a Saturday workout - w4m - 25

you: tall, dark, handsome, with the bone structure of a Greek God and (yes maybe...no definitely- a ponytail)
me: long blonde hair up with many a headband, black workout pants, pink & grey tennis shoes, with a serious staring problem

This is not the first time I've seen you at the gym on a Saturday afternoon. This is not even the second or third time. I have seen you on so many occasions at this exact time, that I now make it a point to come to the gym on Saturday afternoons whenever I can. Today when I walked in, I didn't see you right away. Then as I made my way over to a machine, I suddenly saw your glorious face right in front of me and we locked eyes. As you passed by, I thought your expression was one of recognition, but it was such a brief moment that I'm not sure. I have thought about writing a missed connection for you so many times, that now actually doing it, I am not even sure what to say. You. Are. Perfection. Literally everything about you is gorgeous. From the way you walk back and forth to the water fountain, to the way you lift yourself up on that pull-up machine, to your many, many crunches (oh those abs!), to the way you sit on the bench between sets almost as if brooding about something important....something deep. I could stare at you for hours...and typically I do (when I time it right!). I don't know what to say to you. You make me nervous and giddy.
Sometimes I feel like you are looking at me too, in the moments when I look away to catch my breath. Either you're looking back to check me out too...or you're contemplating a restraining order. Either way, we should probably talk.

_____________________________________________________________________
To the fellow MC bloggers and readers- what do you suggest I do? I am seriously into the idea of talking to this guy, but am so nervous about approaching someone at the gym (please see ponytail saga of 2007 for my highlights with gym "romances"). I could ask him for some workout tips, but I am just not sure. Also, can someone this beautiful be straight? Questions, comments. Please refer to the comment section, also known as my version of therapy.