Saturday, June 28, 2008

I Should Have Opted for the Moderately Good Tacos

This isn't technically a missed connection, but it does involve Craigslist. And I have no other appropriate outlet. So here you go.

My roommate and I both occasionally answer the regular "personals" section of Craigslist, with varied success, but only I have posted such ads. Last week, I was so inspired, and wrote an ad that, suffice to say, was infused with the wit and charm I regularly bring to the virtual table. And of course, an admission of petty larceny (for the extra sexy factor). I received a slew of responses, most of which were dismissable

hah i love stelaing the glasses that a good beer is served in lol williamsburg here

or disturbing

I know this is outrageous and utterly off the point, but might you have an interest in a little strap-on play with an attractive, sane male ( i know i know) in lower Manhattan? It's something I've wanted to try for a while and, well, isnt that what CL is for?

There were a few normal-seeming ones, to which I responded (using a nom de web) with a picture.* The responses to that went through one more round of cuts, and I ended up with two viable options.

The one I thought to be a more likely successful suitor turned out not to be, strangely; mostly, I thought he was on my level looks-wise and wit-wise, which is good. Too much variation in one direction on the part of either party** causes both frustration and spirals of self-doubt. But after a few emails, we both lost interest, I guess.

Which left me with Seth. From his photo, he looked cute - a little too cute, maybe - and he was an acceptable age, and appeared to have higher-than-normal movie referencing skills (which I appreciate). From my subsequent Google stalking, I learned that he is 6'2" and single*** and has a podcast (which I made a conscious decision not to peruse prior to our meeting).

We agreed to meet (on a Friday, no less, which we all know is Date Night) after work before I had some plans at around 9. He lives in the area near where my plans were to take place, so we met at a local bar he suggested. Fine.

First impression: so much more awkward in person than online - but that's par for the course, I suppose, with internet personalities. And less cute than I thought, which settled my nerves a bit. Too-attractive men make me very suspicious.

We got to talking - let me rephrase: he got to talking, and didn't stop for an appreciable amount of time until the date ended a couple hours later. At first, I attributed this trait to nerves, but as the night wore on, I started to realize that this dude just likes to talk. Which is fine. So do I. But seriously. Ask a question of your conversational partner. Just one. It's that simple. But no, he continued to talk about himself, his job, the music he likes (PIXIES OMGAMAZING), and soccer. Oh, he loved him some soccer. Which I know literally zero about except that David Beckham is one fine piece of man, and that the fans are rowdies, so I didn't have much to add to the conversation.

Choice incidents include:
Him: I just don't know why the New York soccer team doesn't promote themselves more. I mean, their best player is a really good-looking guy.
Me: That seems like an obvious way to go.
Him: I mean, really good-looking. Like, he has this really good body, and this baby face, and he's Colombian, so he's sort of know what? Let me just show you a picture.

At this point, he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a picture of the guy in a frame.

Just kidding. He pulled out his iPhone, and the guy was the wallpaper photo on his iPhone, shirtless, and dripping wet.

Okay, that's a lie too. He actually just pulled out his iPhone to Google the dude and show me his picture. But still. And as I said, "Yes, he's a pretty man," Seth says, "Yeah, he used to have longer hair. It was terrible."

Okay, so now we've got:
1. socially awkward
2. weirdly talkative
3. possibly gay, or just gay for this particular dude

Bartender: Well, my friend Sonny is dating Patrick Stewart, so...
Him: One time, I dated this girl, and I was the rebound guy for Carrot Top.
Him: Yeah, she had just broken up with him. Apparently, he's super nice and down to earth, and has an amazing body, and a huge penis.
Me: Uh...and a lustrous head of red hair?

So NOW we have:
1. socially awkward
2. weirdly talkative
3. possibly gay for soccer dude AND Carrot Top
4. borderline obsessed with dudes' bodies
5. not really aware of what is/is not necessary information upon a first meeting

By the time we'd had two beers, I:
- heard where he took his friend to dinner in Milwaukee, accompanied by a story
- heard the story about the time his buddy tried to find Camp Randall
- knew his Top Five Non-Doolittle Pixies Songs That He Would Like to Hear As Options on Rock Band
- learned how High Fidelity the movie is better than High Fidelity the novel because he "related to it more" because he's from Chicago
- was ridiculed for not knowing that "Paint It Black" is the song played at the end of both The Devil's Advocate**** and Full Metal Jacket
wished I was literally sitting at the bar alone so that I could talk to the cute bartender

At this point, I was not angry, or sad, that I'd showed up for the date, but I was fine with it being over. Thing was, he knew that I had a party at 9, and it was only 8:30, and I couldn't figure out a way to extricate myself. So when he said, "want to get some food?" I thought, at least he can't talk with food in his mouth.

Him: Do you want the kind-of-good tacos or the really good tacos?
Me: Uh, the really good tacos, obviously.
Him: Okay. We'll have to get on the bus then.

We rode the bus for 20 minutes to get what were, admittedly, very good tacos, but I was left with many questions in my mind:
1. why did you take me so far away from the place I needed to be, a place you knew I needed to be?
2. why do you still want to hang out with me? Am I really that good at pretending to be interested in something someone is saying?
3. why didn't you pay for my $4 of tacos? Or at least offer? I'm a modern woman and all, but's $4.

We missed the bus back to where we needed to go, so we took the subway instead, and he got off a stop before me, leaping out of the doors like a tall, moderately cute, sort of douchey, but not douchey enough to really hate gazelle.

Then I went and played Catchphrase with my friends. Thank God.

*It's going to happen eventually, y'all, so I like to get it over with ASAP.
**Usually me. Too smart, but not thin enough.
***Or says he is on okcupid, which I took to mean "at least 5'10" and has a fuckbuddy"
****Though I did get some sort of pass for not having seen this one "because Keanu Reeves is in it...I mean, come on."


sasha said...

haha! this is an amazing retelling of what seemed to be a less than amazing night. i'm sure this guy is decent and maybe was just a little nervous with all that talking, but how oblivious does one have to be to know that talking about another man's penis (esp. carrot top) is just NEVER appropriate on a date?!

also, the next time you go out (with another dude obviously), i'm coming with you clad in big glasses, a moustache and binoculars to watch the hilarity ensue.

Alex said...

I completely told the soccer/iphone story to friends over dinner and they agreed that it was hilarious. Quality story. A+++

Anonymous said...; You saved my day again.