Monday, June 30, 2008

The Arbiter of Class Has Spoken

On CL, I posted:

you were tending bar wearing a black shirt with a grey image of new england on the back and a pocket on the front. i was sitting at the bar on an awkward, awkward date. i wished i was sitting there alone so i could talk to you about betazoids some more. i would have left you my number, but that seems like it might be bad form, me being on a date and all.

John wrote:
I'm not sure what I'm doing answering someone else's missed connection, but seems like they are just too common these days. I assume this was friday night? I'm not him... but I know who you are talking about.I'm not sure if he has a girlfriend but I do know he is a real nice guy... Anyway, Friday isn't his normal shift.Think he'd remember you?

Frankie wrote:
whoa, weird - he might remember me. we talked briefly about how the other bartender (a super cool blonde girl) was a betazoid, and about gene roddenberry's wife. i was attempting to be on a date with a guy whose biggest claim to fame was that he was once the rebound guy of carrot top. my date was a nice guy, not my style.

i realized it's not terribly classy to try to a) pick up bartenders or b) try to pick up bartenders while you're on a date. is it any classier to use the missed connections? maybe not...

John wrote:
I'm not going to decide what's classy and what isn't... Was that a blind date? So, do you want another shot at this bartender?

Frankie wrote:
Thank God you're not the arbiter of class. I know I'm certainly not.

I do, in fact, want another shot. He's adorable, and the art in the bar that he made is awesome. I realize that posting a missed connection, as opposed to just going back to the bar and saying "Hey," is probably the weak move, but I kind of wanted to see if it would work.

And yes, it was a blind date.

John wrote:
I not an arbiter of class nor a liaison for the missed connections of the world... I am, however, a fan of that bar.Maybe he will read your post and respond... I'd say that's a longshot.So, his name is Jim. He normally works Tues and Sunday... I'd say if you rolled in there either of those days, early evening, you'd have a pretty good shot at talking him up.You going to do it? I?

Saturday, June 28, 2008

I Should Have Opted for the Moderately Good Tacos

This isn't technically a missed connection, but it does involve Craigslist. And I have no other appropriate outlet. So here you go.

My roommate and I both occasionally answer the regular "personals" section of Craigslist, with varied success, but only I have posted such ads. Last week, I was so inspired, and wrote an ad that, suffice to say, was infused with the wit and charm I regularly bring to the virtual table. And of course, an admission of petty larceny (for the extra sexy factor). I received a slew of responses, most of which were dismissable

hah i love stelaing the glasses that a good beer is served in lol williamsburg here

or disturbing

I know this is outrageous and utterly off the point, but might you have an interest in a little strap-on play with an attractive, sane male ( i know i know) in lower Manhattan? It's something I've wanted to try for a while and, well, isnt that what CL is for?

There were a few normal-seeming ones, to which I responded (using a nom de web) with a picture.* The responses to that went through one more round of cuts, and I ended up with two viable options.

The one I thought to be a more likely successful suitor turned out not to be, strangely; mostly, I thought he was on my level looks-wise and wit-wise, which is good. Too much variation in one direction on the part of either party** causes both frustration and spirals of self-doubt. But after a few emails, we both lost interest, I guess.

Which left me with Seth. From his photo, he looked cute - a little too cute, maybe - and he was an acceptable age, and appeared to have higher-than-normal movie referencing skills (which I appreciate). From my subsequent Google stalking, I learned that he is 6'2" and single*** and has a podcast (which I made a conscious decision not to peruse prior to our meeting).

We agreed to meet (on a Friday, no less, which we all know is Date Night) after work before I had some plans at around 9. He lives in the area near where my plans were to take place, so we met at a local bar he suggested. Fine.

First impression: so much more awkward in person than online - but that's par for the course, I suppose, with internet personalities. And less cute than I thought, which settled my nerves a bit. Too-attractive men make me very suspicious.

We got to talking - let me rephrase: he got to talking, and didn't stop for an appreciable amount of time until the date ended a couple hours later. At first, I attributed this trait to nerves, but as the night wore on, I started to realize that this dude just likes to talk. Which is fine. So do I. But seriously. Ask a question of your conversational partner. Just one. It's that simple. But no, he continued to talk about himself, his job, the music he likes (PIXIES OMGAMAZING), and soccer. Oh, he loved him some soccer. Which I know literally zero about except that David Beckham is one fine piece of man, and that the fans are rowdies, so I didn't have much to add to the conversation.

Choice incidents include:
Him: I just don't know why the New York soccer team doesn't promote themselves more. I mean, their best player is a really good-looking guy.
Me: That seems like an obvious way to go.
Him: I mean, really good-looking. Like, he has this really good body, and this baby face, and he's Colombian, so he's sort of know what? Let me just show you a picture.

At this point, he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a picture of the guy in a frame.

Just kidding. He pulled out his iPhone, and the guy was the wallpaper photo on his iPhone, shirtless, and dripping wet.

Okay, that's a lie too. He actually just pulled out his iPhone to Google the dude and show me his picture. But still. And as I said, "Yes, he's a pretty man," Seth says, "Yeah, he used to have longer hair. It was terrible."

Okay, so now we've got:
1. socially awkward
2. weirdly talkative
3. possibly gay, or just gay for this particular dude

Bartender: Well, my friend Sonny is dating Patrick Stewart, so...
Him: One time, I dated this girl, and I was the rebound guy for Carrot Top.
Him: Yeah, she had just broken up with him. Apparently, he's super nice and down to earth, and has an amazing body, and a huge penis.
Me: Uh...and a lustrous head of red hair?

So NOW we have:
1. socially awkward
2. weirdly talkative
3. possibly gay for soccer dude AND Carrot Top
4. borderline obsessed with dudes' bodies
5. not really aware of what is/is not necessary information upon a first meeting

By the time we'd had two beers, I:
- heard where he took his friend to dinner in Milwaukee, accompanied by a story
- heard the story about the time his buddy tried to find Camp Randall
- knew his Top Five Non-Doolittle Pixies Songs That He Would Like to Hear As Options on Rock Band
- learned how High Fidelity the movie is better than High Fidelity the novel because he "related to it more" because he's from Chicago
- was ridiculed for not knowing that "Paint It Black" is the song played at the end of both The Devil's Advocate**** and Full Metal Jacket
wished I was literally sitting at the bar alone so that I could talk to the cute bartender

At this point, I was not angry, or sad, that I'd showed up for the date, but I was fine with it being over. Thing was, he knew that I had a party at 9, and it was only 8:30, and I couldn't figure out a way to extricate myself. So when he said, "want to get some food?" I thought, at least he can't talk with food in his mouth.

Him: Do you want the kind-of-good tacos or the really good tacos?
Me: Uh, the really good tacos, obviously.
Him: Okay. We'll have to get on the bus then.

We rode the bus for 20 minutes to get what were, admittedly, very good tacos, but I was left with many questions in my mind:
1. why did you take me so far away from the place I needed to be, a place you knew I needed to be?
2. why do you still want to hang out with me? Am I really that good at pretending to be interested in something someone is saying?
3. why didn't you pay for my $4 of tacos? Or at least offer? I'm a modern woman and all, but's $4.

We missed the bus back to where we needed to go, so we took the subway instead, and he got off a stop before me, leaping out of the doors like a tall, moderately cute, sort of douchey, but not douchey enough to really hate gazelle.

Then I went and played Catchphrase with my friends. Thank God.

*It's going to happen eventually, y'all, so I like to get it over with ASAP.
**Usually me. Too smart, but not thin enough.
***Or says he is on okcupid, which I took to mean "at least 5'10" and has a fuckbuddy"
****Though I did get some sort of pass for not having seen this one "because Keanu Reeves is in it...I mean, come on."

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Jared Has Not Been Murdered

Maybe this situation just worked itself out. Or possibly this is the worst thing ever.

Thanks for the complimentary sodas every morning this week. It helps with my Diet Pepsi addiction and to stay awake at work every morning! Well, now you know who your secret admirer is, as if you didn't all ready have a notion. Would love to return the favor and pleasure your fine body sometime! Hehe! You brighten up my day and keep me shopping at 7-11 even more.
Take care, stay awake and don't work too hard,

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

You Probably Don't Even Play the Kazoo

Lord knows we've had our fair share of cases of mistaken identity around the blog, but usually in those cases, the respondent says something like "this could be me," while probably knowing full well it's not, or something like "this isn't for me, but I liked your post," or just act generally like a crazy person.

But this may be an unprecedented situation. Someone responded with FULL CONFIDENCE that my post was directed at him. I'm pretty sure it's a scam, but then, I think everything is a scam, pretty much.

The thing about this one is that it wasn't one of our "I saw you on the train and you had a shirt on" or "You have hair and are a man"-type general posts that could apply to hundreds or possibly thousands of individuals. This was a very specific person at a very specific venue:

Subject: Sunglass-Wearing Ukulele Player at JoCo Concert – m4w – 27

I want to celebrate the First of May with you...all night long.

That was it. The whole post. Either you were playing the ukulele at the concert wearing sunglasses, or you weren't. Simple, right?

I received one response:

Wow, you must mean me!!! Cool. I'm not sure who you are though. Could you send me your picture. This is so cool. I didn't think Missed Connections really worked, but I always read them anyway.

There was a picture attached. Of a dude who was CLEARLY not the ukulele player. (Though as my friend with whom I went to the concert said, "Well, I guess it's possible that it was him. He was wearing the universal disguise. He could have been anyone under those shades. Just be lucky he didn't reveal himself as Brad Pitt; I hear he's kind of a home-wrecker.") That said, the best description of the ukulele player is "hot, tall Israeli army member," maybe like this guy but a little less pretty. The man in the picture might be described as having brown hair and being so boring-looking as to rhgulilrgshAUSGVkagjnadsfgdfgddffhj,,,,,,,,,,,

Sorry. I fell asleep on my keyboard trying to describe him.

I have a couple of issues with this reply.
1. This is so obviously some sort of boilerplate text with no identifying information whatsoever. One would think that a ukulele player would, at the very least, say something about his ukulele.
2. If you're going to reply to an ad that is obviously not meant for you, why include a picture? You're immediately busted! At least make the picture someone hot or interesting.
3. Three exclamation points? Really? It's that exciting?
4. What purpose could this possibly serve? I mean, it's not like he can write me back and be like, "In order to get my phone number, you need to transfer some money via MoneyGram" or something. I mean, I suppose he could, but that doesn't seem likely.

So I wrote him back.

wow, cool! what was the name of that one song you guys played?

It's been a couple of days and no response. Apparently even spammers don't like me.

flickr photo credits: violentz, anarchistsarepretty

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

How to Find Us on Google, Pt. II

As previously blogged by Frankie, we're able to see the google search terms that bring our fair readers to this site. Most of the time we forget to check them, but last night I decided to take a peek.

Here are a few gems that I've unearthed just for you:

  • "long island foot fetish" (6 different people searched for this)
  • "chicago foot fetish" (a few of these, too)
  • "hoboken foot fetish"
  • "is foot fetish normal"
  • about 900 zillion other foot-fetish-related searches
  • more than one variation of "lobster fetish"
  • "ultra-sound testicular fetish" (I just threw up in my mouth)

Advice / Questions
  • "why boyfriend needs a craigslist account" (he's cheating on you) (or selling his guitar)
  • "my boyfriend opened a craigslist account" (clearly a growing problem)
  • "situations that women find sexy"
  • "how to find sexy roommates"
  • "i want a sexy roommates" (read this out loud with a fake Italian accent)
  • "what is called sexy part of man?" (what IS called sexy part of man? what is called?)

Gym Crushes
  • "what to say to guy at gym" (how about "you seem very... skilled and agile")
  • "how to tell if the guy at the gym likes me"
  • "how to talk to a cute guy at the gym"
  • "does he like me gym guy"
  • "guy knows i like him and i see him same time at the gym"
  • "gym guy finally talk to me" (are you trying to communicate with him via google searches?)
  • "lot of guys approaching me at the gym" (you and me both, girl! ... no, wait, just you)
  • "when older guys come up to you at the gym what do you do"


  • "koala bikini for hot man" (Frankie: "I'm crafting one this weekend. For man(kind).")
  • "man pulls train with ponytail" (I just... have no comment on this whatsoever.)
  • "sexy nurses vs. sexy librarians" (perhaps the oldest dilemma faced by humankind)
  • "hotman sexy man" (Sasha: "pet name for my future bf")

Monday, June 23, 2008

I Think You Misunderstood What I Meant By "Slurpee"

All names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty).

The backstory, via gchat:

Alex: this dude has literally posted like 18 missed connection ads for Jared at the 7-11. he's the one who started off like "hey Jared, let me know if you're single, i think you're cute" and he's been getting increasingly forward until now he's like "I WANT TO HAVE VERSATILE FUN WITH YOU I WANT TO PLEASE YOU SEXUALLY"
in his latest post he didn't say 'Jared' and he wrote "respond with your name so i know it's you"
except everyone knows his name because he's literally posted like 85 ads
ok that is all
continue with your work day and/or versatile fun
Frankie: HAHAHA
i'm going to respond
Alex: yessss
Frankie: as "” or some other moniker
Frankie: oh wait i forgot i can't be signed into gmail as 2 people
this is happening NOW
i'm like supposed to leave my temp job
and am not

So I sent this email, from an address that included the name “Jared” and the number “69”:

Jared wrote:
i think your CL ad might be for me. my name's Jared, i work at the 7-11 on [xyz street] (across from the [well-known apartment complex]). are you hot? send me a pic.

Then I forwarded it to Alex.

Frankie: i'm an internet jerk
Alex: OMG
but seriously
if he goes in there EVERY MORNING
why is he posting 87 sexually explicit ads for the dude?
actually i don't even know if it's mean
maybe you're doing him a favor
he'll go in tomorrow and be SUPER flirty
and maybe he'll get some action
you should tell him
some clue
like something to say to Jared
so that he knows it's him or something
Frankie: LOL
oh dear
ok i really am going to go now
keep stayin late to fuck with people online

The next day, I had two emails in “Jared’s” inbox:
The first was sent literally ONE MINUTE after I sent my response:


Yes, the ad is for you. I am an older guy, 53 y/o that likes younger Latino guys. Would love to get together with you and at least suck you off if you are into that and anything else that you would like. If you are still interested I will send you a picture.


The next was sent about 12 hours later, at 5:36am:

God Morning Jared,

If you are horny later today, I will suck your cock, rim you and you can even fuck me if you want. I am versatile and into pleasure. I live pretty close to the store and have a private place. I am very discreet and will never bug you at work. Hope you are into having some fun. Let me know.

I was terrified now that I was going to get poor Jared in trouble with a possibly-psycho stalker dude. So I enlisted resident sage Sasha to weigh in on the dilemma:

Frankie: ok so Alex and i have possibly done something not kosher on CL
well, mostly me
she just sent me the ad
and i think i need your wisdom
Sasha: oh god
you're obviously giving me too much credit
[at this point, I told her what had occurred, which you all know already, so I won't bore you with repeating it]
Sasha: no way!
you are insane
slash my hero
Frankie: so NOW
he has emailed "Jared" TWICE
since 6pm yesterday
Sasha: well OBVI!
i mean he's in love (lust) with this dude
Frankie: and the first response was like "yes, this ad is for you"
and the second was like "i will suck your cock and rim you"
no pics
thank god
Sasha: WHAT?!
Frankie: and dude is 53 years old
this is insane
ok well at first i thought he was cute
not i'm thinking this dude's pretty creepy
Frankie: yeah
so now i think i need to be like "sorry, i don't like old dudes, please don't bother me at work"
i don't want anyone getting punched
Sasha: well but you can't speak for Jared
i mean maybe he likes old dudes
Frankie: i was thinking maybe i could be like "please just come talk to me at the store and act like these emails never happened"
but then if he gets rejected, what if he is crazy and like kills Jared or something?
Sasha: yeah that's what i was thinking at first too
but i don't see it being that extreme
Frankie: i have opened a pandora's box
Sasha: maybe it's best to send an i'm sorry i was lying
i'm not the same dude
Frankie: yeah, maybe that is best
Sasha: and then immediately destroy said email account
Frankie: but like...will he believe that?
Sasha: this guy's pretty intense
Frankie: or will he just assume it's a rejection anyway?
i am a terrible person
Sasha: no you're not
i mean it was supposed to be a funny little joke
this guy is just basically creepy
i guess you could email him and say you have a boyfriend
but you are very flattered and that’s why you responded
Frankie: i def cannot say i'm the wrong dude
because i said i worked at the 7-11
on [xyz street]
i guess i will say i have a bf
Sasha: i think that's best
that's what i would do
Frankie: you are wise
Sasha: not that wise
but when you paint yourself into a corner like that
it's fine!
wait what did Alex do?
Frankie: oh, she just sent me the ad
she is 1% culpable
or like 0.1%
Sasha: haha
well it's an estimation

This was the result:

Jared wrote:
Hi Ernest,

I'm flattered, but I do have a boyfriend, and I don't know if he'd be into it or not. Thanks anyway.

Ernest wrote:


Thanks for being so blunt with me. You are still so hot and I will still shop at your store. See if you can guess who I am? he he! Anyway if you ever get horny and lonely drop me a line. I am always here to please hot young Latino guys, I have references!


So hopefully no one has been murdered as a result. I'm never* doing anything like this again.

*void where prohibited, or when I find something really interesting.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Sometimes I'm Happy When the Connections are Missed

Saw you on Brooklyn Bridge, with some guy? ? ? ? Sunday. - m4w - 27 (The Brooklyn Bridge ? ? ?? )

You were on the Brooklyn Bridge, posing for a lot of photos. You kept saying they made you look like a hamster (loudly). The dude you were with was fat, gay.

Me: disheveled guy you thought was homeless, talking into imaginary cellphone.

Coffee?? ? ? ?

Maybe make out ?

Oh yeah this guy's a winner- you go get him girl!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Kiss Bye Hope to Haire From You

In lieu of posting my own craigslist attempts at romance, I will simply mock the attempts of others. Actually, I'm not really mocking this guy-- it sounds like English is not his first language, in which case I applaud his sweet, valiant, and hilarious attempt.


you past by me at e main around lunch time - m4w (sabway e main)
Reply to: *********
Date: 2008-06-02, 2:38PM CDT

i siled to you and so you did .we even sad hi to eache other you went to the capitole . i falawed you but was to shy to come and speack.hop you will read this .you don t look like someone reading messed connection .baut maybe you do just to know wath s around there .by the way you wher dressed withe and brown i beleve or ether balck i don t rialy remamber you eyes got all my intention kiss bye hope to haire from you .if not i hope you will stop by the sab an other day

Center of the Universe

One of the saddest things about Craigslist-- and there are many sad things-- is when someone posts an incredibly vague message that could be about almost anyone and ninety-three people publicly respond, certain that the message is for them. It makes me cringe to see how unabashedly self-centered human nature can be.


Jen... - m4w (West of Madison)
Reply to: *********
Date: 2008-06-09, 8:35PM CDT

There is something that simply makes me smile. I know nothing will ever come from this but had to say your cool, great smile and oh so cute!! Just take it as a compliment, smile and keep being you. Thanks for letting me share!

Re: Jen... - w4m (West of Madison)
Reply to: *********
Date: 2008-06-10, 8:35AM CDT

Oooh! I read craigslist as a hobby. Is this Dave? (David?)

Re: Re: Jen... - w4m (West of Madison)
Reply to: *********
Date: 2008-06-10, 8:39AM CDT

No goofy, that wasn't me :) You get back to work up there in oshkosh.

Re: Re: Re: Jen... - w4m (West of Madison)
Reply to: *********
Date: 2008-06-10, 8:55AM CDT

I don't work in Oshkosh...

Re: Re: Re: Re: Jen... - w4m (West of Madison)
Reply to: *********
Date: 2008-06-10, 10:06AM CDT

Then i'm the wrong Dave/David on the west side of madison who has connections to a different Jen that would have thought it was about them. Who reads craigslist as a hobby.

Damnit. I fell for the craigslist "zomg is that about me" trap!

I hope this is entertaining others at least.