Monday, June 23, 2008

I Think You Misunderstood What I Meant By "Slurpee"

All names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty).

The backstory, via gchat:

Alex: this dude has literally posted like 18 missed connection ads for Jared at the 7-11. he's the one who started off like "hey Jared, let me know if you're single, i think you're cute" and he's been getting increasingly forward until now he's like "I WANT TO HAVE VERSATILE FUN WITH YOU I WANT TO PLEASE YOU SEXUALLY"
in his latest post he didn't say 'Jared' and he wrote "respond with your name so i know it's you"
except everyone knows his name because he's literally posted like 85 ads
ok that is all
continue with your work day and/or versatile fun
Frankie: HAHAHA
i'm going to respond
Alex: yessss
Frankie: as "” or some other moniker
Frankie: oh wait i forgot i can't be signed into gmail as 2 people
this is happening NOW
i'm like supposed to leave my temp job
and am not

So I sent this email, from an address that included the name “Jared” and the number “69”:

Jared wrote:
i think your CL ad might be for me. my name's Jared, i work at the 7-11 on [xyz street] (across from the [well-known apartment complex]). are you hot? send me a pic.

Then I forwarded it to Alex.

Frankie: i'm an internet jerk
Alex: OMG
but seriously
if he goes in there EVERY MORNING
why is he posting 87 sexually explicit ads for the dude?
actually i don't even know if it's mean
maybe you're doing him a favor
he'll go in tomorrow and be SUPER flirty
and maybe he'll get some action
you should tell him
some clue
like something to say to Jared
so that he knows it's him or something
Frankie: LOL
oh dear
ok i really am going to go now
keep stayin late to fuck with people online

The next day, I had two emails in “Jared’s” inbox:
The first was sent literally ONE MINUTE after I sent my response:


Yes, the ad is for you. I am an older guy, 53 y/o that likes younger Latino guys. Would love to get together with you and at least suck you off if you are into that and anything else that you would like. If you are still interested I will send you a picture.


The next was sent about 12 hours later, at 5:36am:

God Morning Jared,

If you are horny later today, I will suck your cock, rim you and you can even fuck me if you want. I am versatile and into pleasure. I live pretty close to the store and have a private place. I am very discreet and will never bug you at work. Hope you are into having some fun. Let me know.

I was terrified now that I was going to get poor Jared in trouble with a possibly-psycho stalker dude. So I enlisted resident sage Sasha to weigh in on the dilemma:

Frankie: ok so Alex and i have possibly done something not kosher on CL
well, mostly me
she just sent me the ad
and i think i need your wisdom
Sasha: oh god
you're obviously giving me too much credit
[at this point, I told her what had occurred, which you all know already, so I won't bore you with repeating it]
Sasha: no way!
you are insane
slash my hero
Frankie: so NOW
he has emailed "Jared" TWICE
since 6pm yesterday
Sasha: well OBVI!
i mean he's in love (lust) with this dude
Frankie: and the first response was like "yes, this ad is for you"
and the second was like "i will suck your cock and rim you"
no pics
thank god
Sasha: WHAT?!
Frankie: and dude is 53 years old
this is insane
ok well at first i thought he was cute
not i'm thinking this dude's pretty creepy
Frankie: yeah
so now i think i need to be like "sorry, i don't like old dudes, please don't bother me at work"
i don't want anyone getting punched
Sasha: well but you can't speak for Jared
i mean maybe he likes old dudes
Frankie: i was thinking maybe i could be like "please just come talk to me at the store and act like these emails never happened"
but then if he gets rejected, what if he is crazy and like kills Jared or something?
Sasha: yeah that's what i was thinking at first too
but i don't see it being that extreme
Frankie: i have opened a pandora's box
Sasha: maybe it's best to send an i'm sorry i was lying
i'm not the same dude
Frankie: yeah, maybe that is best
Sasha: and then immediately destroy said email account
Frankie: but like...will he believe that?
Sasha: this guy's pretty intense
Frankie: or will he just assume it's a rejection anyway?
i am a terrible person
Sasha: no you're not
i mean it was supposed to be a funny little joke
this guy is just basically creepy
i guess you could email him and say you have a boyfriend
but you are very flattered and that’s why you responded
Frankie: i def cannot say i'm the wrong dude
because i said i worked at the 7-11
on [xyz street]
i guess i will say i have a bf
Sasha: i think that's best
that's what i would do
Frankie: you are wise
Sasha: not that wise
but when you paint yourself into a corner like that
it's fine!
wait what did Alex do?
Frankie: oh, she just sent me the ad
she is 1% culpable
or like 0.1%
Sasha: haha
well it's an estimation

This was the result:

Jared wrote:
Hi Ernest,

I'm flattered, but I do have a boyfriend, and I don't know if he'd be into it or not. Thanks anyway.

Ernest wrote:


Thanks for being so blunt with me. You are still so hot and I will still shop at your store. See if you can guess who I am? he he! Anyway if you ever get horny and lonely drop me a line. I am always here to please hot young Latino guys, I have references!


So hopefully no one has been murdered as a result. I'm never* doing anything like this again.

*void where prohibited, or when I find something really interesting.


Alex said...

In retrospect, I feel like a much simpler way of dealing with this would have involved elaborate disguises, a stakeout, and possibly some diversion-creating. Do you think it's too late?

Alex said...

Wait, also, did he literally write "I have references"? Am I supposed to have references?


OBJECTIVE: To get laid sometime in the next century.

EXPERIENCE: Five years of solid experience in entry- to mid-level versatile fun. Some training in the use of toys.

EDUCATION: That weird video we watched in 6th grade "Your Body and You".

REFERENCES: Available upon request.

sasha said...

i'll bring the glasses with moustaches!

no but really, you did the right thing. i mean after doing the wrong thing...obviously.

ps- blogger does not acknowledge the word "moustache."

sasha said...

amazing resume! should i start compiling my list? oh man...this could take minutes...literally minutes!

Working Girl One said...

omg, i am dying laughing right now!

Alex said...

Ok, I keep thinking of more questions about this-- I've been wondering what he meant by 'versatile fun'. Do you think he actually meant 'vertical fun' by which he actually meant 'horizontal fun'? Is that even a real term?

p.s. Sasha, I think you need post the series of emails that brought us the euphemism 'internet discussion'.

Anonymous said...

YOU ALL ARE AMAZING and i am thrilled// slightly scared// will use your MC/gmail/stalking/ diversion creating skills in the future.

p.s. it's nicky blogger is acting all weird.

Frankie said...

I know a lot of gays, and "versatile fun" is a real term. You know how they have "catchers" and "pitchers"? The gays? Well, "versatile" players can play any position. If you know what I mean.

Happy Pride Week, everyone!

Maroon Memoirs said...

Wow. Just...Wow.

Am I the only one who is creeped out not only by all of the obviously creepy elements of this, but by the none-too-subtle ethnic fetishization? Did this dude see a reggaeton video and decide that's where it's at? Ok, given his age, maybe it was Menudo. That just skeeves me out.

I'm going to go work on my resume now. Alex, can I use you as my "not a whore" reference?

Alex said...

Oh, DEF creeped out by the Menudo fetishizing. Actually, not so much creeped out as annoyed.

And, yes, you can definitely use me as your "Whore / Not a Whore?" reference. I will testify under oath to your regular wearing of burlap sacks.