Thursday, November 13, 2008

Seriously, It Won't End.

The time: Saturday, November 8, 8:10pm.
The place: The Naturalizer's apartment.
The Naturalizer sits alone, staring at his collection of Hummel figurines and crucifixes. As Teen Wolf plays on his 13" television set, unwatched, he sits back, takes a gulp of his store brand Dr. Pepper clone (Dr. Bold, perhaps) and toys with the fork left neglected in his Hungry Man salisbury steak dinner. He speaks:

"What am I doing? It's 8pm on a Saturday, and I would like nothing more than to be out on the town with a hairy, Jesus-loving lady. I thought I'd found one, but she spurned me - electronically!"

He hangs his head so that the bells on the jester hat he is wearing jingle in a pathetic manner.* His pet iguana stares vacantly at him, partly because it is an iguana, and partly because it is confused as to why he is wearing a jester hat. Suddenly, he jerks upward.

"I have the perfect solution! I will contact her once more! I still have her email address! Maybe, just maybe, if I say the perfect thing, she will come running back to me and we will live happily together in a land with no razors!"

He sits down at his computer, ready to burst with excitement. As he logs in to his email, his leg twitches in that way that dudes' legs sometimes twitch when they are nervous or just bored and you have to be like "DUDE. Your LEG." and they are like "OH. Shit." because they totally didn't know their leg was doing that. Thankfully for The Naturalizer, his only witness is the iguana, who doesn't care, as it is distracted by a particularly leafy piece of lettuce.

"But what will I type to this unseen, hirsute maiden? Surely nothing that springs from this mortal brain is divine enough to ply her to return - electronically - to my virtual arms. Oh, what to do?"

He sits, stymied, gazing at the framed 8x10 photograph of Rush Limbaugh gracing his wall, as though pleading with the man to send him guidance. Suddenly - an idea strikes.

"That's it!"

With that, he presses send. What follows is the email he sent:

How are you? I have decided to give you one last opportunity. Perhaps, you have had time to think about your rude behavior in not responding to my emails. Besides, I can think of two good reasons-- 1. Its not easy to find a girl who does not shave and a guy who is appreciative of that.. and 2. we may share similar religious beliefs... And in ny that is not easy to find. How about it?

In case you're wondering: Yes. This is exactly the same as the last two emails he sent.
But this time I responded.
Let's see what happens.

I responded "Hahahahaha" to his email at 9:04am, then started writing this. By the time I was done at 9:28, he had responded: "So why not? What do you have to lose?"

*credit where credit is due: my 10th grade English teacher Mrs. Hunter (who was quite possibly the most awesome teacher ever, and had many a quotable moment), used this phrase in regards to the wonderful short story The Cask of Amontillado. I still love that story.


Anonymous said...

you should just send him a link to this blog.
maybeeee then he will understand.

maybe not.

michael d said...

Part of me wishes I could have a little bit of the lack of pride/shame that allows this sort of persistence. Sure, he's going too far, but giving up as soon as a girl looks sort of disinterested isn't great either.

And, whoa, I totally do that leg thing you're talking about.

leigh said...

i can't believe he is still sending you emails! this is nuts.

Alex said...

A few thoughts on this:

(1) This the best writing anyone has ever done, ever.

(2) You used the word 'hirsute'.

(3) "... and partly because he was confused as to why he was wearing a jester hat" made me think that the iguana was ALSO wearing a very tiny jester hat. I have not been so enamored with an image since monkey tiger.