Friday, October 3, 2008

Being Unshaven, The Beatles, and Jesus

“You’re a fool,” they said. “Haven’t you learned your lesson?” they pleaded. But no. I couldn’t resist. You may remember The Naturalizer from a few weeks ago. This week, I was cruising the MCs (working as a temp = lots of time to kill) and I saw an ad that was – verbatim – the response I received. Obviously, it was the same dude. So I decided to see if he would send me the Crazy Jesus page again. What follows are the results of that experiment.

From: FrankieSubject: Hi!
To: pers-xxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 1:50 PM
i saw ur ad on CL about girls who don't like shaving
i think i probably fit that description lol...
you have pics? send me some and i'll send u mine :)

-Frankie
Ed. note: the character I’m adopting in these emails is basically an amalgam of several people I know in real life that I think are stupid.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Monday, September 29, 2008 4:34:19 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!

So how old are you? Where do you live? So are you unshaven now? I have pics, but I am at work now and they are on my home computer. So send me some pics. and I will send you some later tonight.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 5:24 PM

i'm 24 and i live in brooklyn (cheaper than manhattan lol)...i'm at work too right now but i'll be home later. what about you? what do you do for work? i'm a receptionist and it's fine but not what i really want to be doing. like everyone else lol

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Monday, September 29, 2008 11:37:50 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!

So..I am 31 and live in greenpoint, brooklyn.Where do you live in brooklyn? I work in asset management. So what did you go to school for? So send me a pic. when you get home..

The Naturalizer

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 12:12 AM

greenpoint seems pretty cool, i have checked out a couple bars around there...i actually live off the G train so i know how it is!! haha...that train is so stupid. anyway, i attached a pic of me my friend took...i have kind of a crazy hat on but i still sorta like it! i'm not sure what asset management is...maybe like banking? i hope you have a job still! i went to school for history, but i really want to be a rock star. as you can see from my hat lol. hope you send a pic soon!

hey we're both on yahoo so if u wanna chat 2nite...i'll be up for a while ;)
Ed. note: I included a picture in this email. Not of me. Of some random, pretty but not unrealistic girl I got on Flickr. She was, in fact, wearing a pretty rockin’ hat. Additionally, it’s important to note here that the G train is the only train that goes to Greenpoint. And it is, in fact, so stupid.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 9:06:38 AM
Subject: Re: Hi!

I actually was tired and went to bed when you sent this. Anyway, I forwarded a pic. to my work email. So here is a pic. Asset management is part of banking. I still have a job. My company has not been affected by any of this yet. So what interested about my ad? The non-shaving thing? Out of curiosity, are your armpits unshaven now? Have you ever let them grow out (if not)?
Ed. note: The Naturalizer included a photo in this email, the same one he sent in his response to my MC.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 10:41 AM

Hi again!

nice pic! are you at work??

i just thought it was cool that you weren't grossed out by girls who don't shave...since it's winter now i'm going to probably stop again...in the summer it gets too hot to have hair lol!! but yeah i like the natural look and it just feels better!

talk to you soon!
Frankie

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 11:25:34 AM
Subject: Re: Hi!

Hey,

Yes. I am at work. Its cool that you don't shave at all during the winter. I definitely prefer the natural look on a girl. So you let both armpits & legs grow fully out in the winter? Have you ever done it the summer (out of curiosity)?

Anyway, are you originally from NY? Where in brooklyn do you live (I don't think you said)?

The Naturalizer

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 12:17 PM

mostly if i do it in the summer it's just because i'm lazy...haha

i'm originally from tampa, fl...so i'm like the opposite of all those old people that move to fl from ny! i live off the classon stop on the g, so it's not the greatest neighborhood, but i like it all right. where are you from originally??

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 12:39:17 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!

Originally, I am from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living in NY for over five years now. How long have you been here? So what do you like to do in your free time? Also, do you have more pics?

That's interesting that you live off the classon stop on the G. Maybe this was you. While on the way to meet a friend who lives further down the G line about a month ago (last couple of weeks in August I don't remember exactly when). I noticed a very attractive girl that was totally unshaven (at least the armpits) that got on the G (don't remember where exactly and I think (while I am not 100% certain as it was over month ago) she got off on the classon stop . Was that you by any chance? I know, probably not, but I figured I would ask since you mentioned that stop and reminded me of it.

Ed. note: at this point, I updated Alex on the situation.

Alex: HAHAHAHHAHA
that is the funniest response ever
WOW
i would (a) never remember someone random from a month ago (well, maybe)
and (b) HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IF THAT WAS YOU?
and (c) ok i guess he's making that up
Frankie: it's SO WEIRD
Alex: the more i think about it, that's actually kind of smart!
because if you were dumb, you would think it WAS you
which might flatter you // make you feel like he is a real person?
what could you say??
Frankie: and every email is like "tell me more about your pits"
Alex: hahahhah
WEIRD
ew, he is probably jerking off to ALL of your emails
ew ew
Frankie: ewwwww
well i sent a pic
of a random girl
i feel bad
but hey, anyone could be jerking off to her pic on flickr
Alex: haha aw
they could be anyway
Frankie: i mean she's cute
and has a cute hat on

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 1:45 PM
pittsburgh seems like a nice town. i've lived here for like 2 years almost. mostly i like hanging out with friends, going to shows, etc. i guess i'm pretty boring that way lol! but not boring to hang out with :) what about you? what kind of music do you like?

haha i'm not sure how you think i would remember if it was me if it was over a month ago!! obviously i am very attractive so it's possible :)

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 2:08:07 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
In my free time, I like to read, watch movies/tv, run, go for walks, hang out with friends at restaurants & bars, etc. As for music, like the beatles, modest mouse, rolling stones, led zepelin, frank sinatra, billy joel, fiona apple, sublime, pink floyd (though less than I used to), the doors, grateful dead, oasis, among others... What about you?

What do you do for exercise? Do you run? As for wether it was you about a month ago, one way to at least narrow it down a little is to ask if your armpits were unshaven at that time. So were they?
Ed. note: As I said to Alex when I got this email, it's as though he Googled the phrase "cliched favorite bands" and then copy/pasted it into the email. Except Sublime. Where have THEY been? Also, the exercise question? Where did THAT come from? I suppose he could be a runner, and just wants to know if I'm a kindred spirit.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 2:38 PM

OMG i love the beatles and was obsessed with them as a kid...john was always my favorite for some reason. but i like lots of stuff, like yo la tengo and girl talk and ben folds and katy perry and all sorts of stuff. i've seen weezer a bunch of times. what movies have you seen lately? i just saw nights in rodanthe and it was sooooooooooo good but a little girly maybe lol

i don't really like running but i take dance classes alot...seems like i never have time to go to the gym lol! i need to get an exercise buddy!
Ed. note: I really did see Nights in Rodanthe. However, "sooooooooooooo good" would not be my description.

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 3:30 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
Lately, I have not seen any really good movies. One of my best friends got married a couple of weeks ago and I was in the wedding & there was the bachelor party--so I was busy with that for a while.. You didn't answer the question about being unshaven a month ago or whether you are now. Can't let you slide on that question..ha ha.. Also, do you have more pics?

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Wednesday, October 1, 2008 9:14:07 AM
Subject: Re: Hi!

Did you receive my reply? Here it is if you didn't:

Lately, I have not seen any really good movies. One of my best friends got married a couple of weeks ago and I was in the wedding & there was the bachelor party--so I was busy with that for a while..

You didn't answer the question about being unshaven a month ago or whether you are now. Can't let you slide on that question..ha ha.. Also, do you have more pics?
Ed. note: "Can't let you slide"? For some reason, I find that so sinister-sounding. Particularly because he cut/pasted his email from the day before and sent it again. I like how his explanation for my lack of reply is that I "didn't receive" it. These are emails, dude.

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 12:09 PM
wow, you are like really into pit hair, hey? i honestly don't really remember about a month back, could have been. right now i'm workin' on a couple days' growth i guess lol

i'm at work again and don't have too many pics here...at least good ones :)

From: The Naturalizer
To: Frankie
Sent: Wednesday, October 1, 2008 12:42:46 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!

In the grand scheme of things, pit hair is not the most important thing I am looking for in a girl. It is just that it is hard to find a girl willing to grow it out. So since you are open to it, I kinda went with that perhaps to the point where it seems like I am more into it than I actually am (though I certainly prefer it on a girl). By the way, what type of relationship are you looking for? I never really asked. As for me, I am looking for a serious relationship that will hopefully lead to a long-term relationship if it works out.

Feel free to send me what you have at work in terms of pics. The pic. you sent is with a hat and I can't get a complete idea of what you look like.
Ed. note: I really wanted to see if he would send the Crazy Jesus page again. I consulted Alex for her sage advice.
Frankie: "In the grand scheme of things, pit hair is not the most important thing I am looking for in a girl. It is just that it is hard to find a girl willing to grow it out."
Alex: HAHAHAHHH
SO INTENSE
Frankie: i'm like bored with this
Alex: he talks about pit hair too much
Frankie: i wanted him to send the crazy christian thing
Alex: has he told you anything else about himself?
you should ask him about his religious views!!!!
Alex: tell him that you only date christians
or tell him that you're jewish or something?
or agnostic?
a devil-worshipper
NO WAIT
YOU should send HIM a crazy christian link
Frankie: HAHAHAHA
Alex: OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

In the end, I went with this:

From: Frankie
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: The Naturalizer
Date: Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 1:13 PM

haha fair enough...well i guess i should mention here that i go to church every week and am hoping to find a guy who shares my views...most guys my age i meet in new york are not into the religion thing and if they are, they always turn out to be weirdos who want me to be a doormat or something!!! it's cool if you're not like a regular churchgoer but i definitely am so that's what you're getting into lol...

From: The Naturalizer
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: Frankie
Date: Wednesday, October 1, 2008, 2:49 PM

While I am not a regular Churchgoer (in part due to the fact that I don't know anyone that goes regularly), I do believe in Jesus as Savior & Lord and in the Bible. So I am religious and you going to Church certainly would not bother me. I am certainly not weird and I am not looking for a girl to be my doormat.

So what are your beliefs? Where did you go to school out of curiosity? Can you send some more pics? If not from work, then later tonight...

From: The Naturalizer
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: Frankie
Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 12: 50 PM
Did you receive this:
While I am not a regular Churchgoer (in part due to the fact that I don't know anyone that goes regularly), I do believe in Jesus as Savior & Lord and in the Bible. So I am religious and you going to Church certainly would not bother me. I am certainly not weird and I am not looking for a girl to be my doormat.

So what are your beliefs? Where did you go to school out of curiosity? Can you send some more pics? If not from work, then later tonight...


From: The Naturalizer
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: Frankie
Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 4:03 PM

So are you still interested in chatting further? you didn't respond:
While I am not a regular Churchgoer (in part due to the fact that I don't know anyone that goes regularly), I do believe in Jesus as Savior & Lord and in the Bible. So I am religious and you going to Church certainly would not bother me. I am certainly not weird and I am not looking for a girl to be my doormat.

So what are your beliefs? Where did you go to school out of curiosity? Can you send some more pics? If not from work, then later tonight...

From: The Naturalizer
Subject: Re: Hi!
To: Frankie
Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 10:02 PM
So are you still interested in chatting further? I think we have potential in that you are obviously open to being unshaven, like the beatles, and we may have similar religious beliefs. So I hope to hear from you. Did you receive my reply?

Ed. note: I LOVE this list of “why we have potential," particularly the inclusion of the Beatles, because they're, like, not a litmus test. Lots of people like them.

3 comments:

Alex said...

This is still my favorite line: "In the grand scheme of things, pit hair is not the most important thing I am looking for in a girl."

GET YR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT, DUDE.

Also? If you have to copy and paste "I am certainly not weird" into three separate emails, then... you are weird.

michael d said...

I guess he really knows what he wants.

I've got a rule of thumb. If I email a girl I'm interested in and she doesn't respond, I figure it's a good idea to, you know, wait a little while. Maybe she's busy. Maybe she doesn't know how she wants to respond quite yet. Maybe she just isn't interested. All distinct possibilities. Odds she just didn't get the email message: pretty darn low.

Rox said...

Brilliant, I totally wish we had MC in my part of the world... such an amazing world out there. Even if it does include unshaved pit fetishists!