We've Officially Crossed Some Sort of Line

Text message I just received from Little Napoleon:

Boo.

...


Two lessons can be gleaned from this, folks:

1. Do not ever give out your phone number to anyone.
2. Do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to be That Guy.
3. Review lessons 1 and 2 as needed.
   

cute L train man

you asked me on the L train at 6th ave how you could get to 14th and lexington, and i was so taken aback by your dapperness/attractiveness that i didn't really tell you the whole story of how you should get to where you were trying to go. i hope you didn't get lost. shoes that cool don't deserve to get lost.

Alex Has a Crush

From: Sasha
To: Alex
hey is that guy you love a facebook friend?

===

From: Alex
To: Sasha
That guy I have a crush on from school? No. We have, like, the MOST professional relationship in history, i.e. he is never going to be interested in me.

===

From: Sasha
To: Alex
oh just wondering....you should find him on facebook and poke him! then he'll love you.

===

From: Alex
To: Sasha
I'm kind of afraid to do that because our relationship is TOTALLY professional/serious at this point and he just seems really cool/mature and he might be like "wtf" and then it will be weird in meetings.

Maybe I could just add everyone from our group. Then they will all think I have crushes on them!

===

From: Sasha
To: Alex
if he is in your network can't you see his profile anyway? i mean you need to see what kind of "cool" you are up against!

===

From: Alex
To: Sasha
i was just about to write "i am so sure that he is not on facebook" but then i looked him up and he totally is! why have i never tried this before??

so… he's straight but it doesn't say if he's in a relationship or not.

but it says his religion is hindu so that probably means i'm out. dammit!!

===

Alex: ok it is officially ridic that we are not having this convo on gchat
Alex: he is SO cute
Alex: now i am going to be really tempted to facebook friend him but it is pointless
Alex: (a) i will then feel awkward in our next mtg
Alex: and (b) he will NEVER LOVE ME
Sasha: it is not pointless
Sasha: (a) he will see how awesome, interesting and funny you are
Sasha: and (b) he will see how awesome and funny i am
Sasha: cause i need a back-up
Sasha: friend him with a cute, subtle message
Alex: yes we are awesome at subtle
Sasha: i know!
Sasha: well we can be
Sasha: ok i can't be
Alex: i have a mtg with him tomorrow so maybe i'll dress really cute and try to be witty and then follow up with a friend request
Sasha: yes! do it the old fashioned way
Alex: i love how whenever you're reading the myspace/facebook profile of someone you might have a crush on
Alex: you will skim their interests section for anything that looks vaguely promising
Sasha: oh for sure
Sasha: i totally did that with ponytail
Sasha: i was like "oh, he loves heavy metal-- he must be passionate and intense"
Alex: ha!
Sasha: ok we should figure out what you're going to wear tomorrow for the study group
Sasha: i'm thinking a sarong and a bindi
Alex: i should be like "hey, guys! i mean NAMASTE"
Alex: no but seriously do you think he's married?
Sasha: no
Alex: i love how you have an opinion on this
Alex: or that i expect you to
Sasha: he might be betrothed but there are totally ways around that
Alex: he's liberal
Alex: according to facebook
Sasha: so you two are basically soulmates
Alex: i wish you could hear his dreamboat accent
Alex: i don't think i can go back to americans after this
Alex: they just seem so passe
Sasha: you probably won't
Alex: omg WHAT
Alex: not to you
Alex: to facebook
Alex: wait my mind is blown
Alex: i am seriously in a state of shock right now!
Sasha: what?
Alex: am i doing the math right that if he was born in 1986 that he is YOUNGER than me??
Alex: by like FOUR YEARS
Alex: that's impossible
Sasha: oh jesus- he is a baby
Alex: what year was i born in?
Alex: i thought he was like 30
Sasha: just do the math
Sasha: 1986-2007
Alex: OMG
Sasha: oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alex: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alex: maybe he faked his bday
Alex: by accident
Alex: or on purpose
Alex: for some mysterious reason
Sasha: or maybe he's one of those young genius types
Sasha: you must have him
Sasha: now you've got the upper hand
Alex: EXACTLY
Alex: slash what?????
Sasha: slash you have years of experience
Sasha: he can't contend
Alex: omg
Alex: i cannot be intimidated by a fucking TWENTY-ONE-YEAR-OLD
Alex: because i am the cool older woman
Alex: i mean not older older
Alex: hot older
Sasha: yeah and you are totally a sex goddess
Alex: he's probably still a virgin!
Alex: ok maybe not
Sasha: yes you can show him the ways of the womanly body
Alex: maybe i should include that in my facebook message?
Sasha: we need to be a tv show
Alex: seriously
Alex: we could just set up a camera on our gchat window
Alex: and play music over it
Sasha: so abstract
Sasha: i am totally glad g chat saves everything so we can write our book based off of this one convo
Alex: oh come on there have been others
Alex: cue the montage
Alex: i'm not sure how we'll deal with montages on our gchat tv show
Sasha: just music playing while it pans from you to me in front of our respective comps, laughing
Sasha: and then crying
Sasha: and then laughing again
Alex: and then laughing through tears
Alex: and then crying from laughing
Sasha: yes
Sasha: brilliant

!!Update!! Part Deux

So who thought there would be follow up after the "Hawkward Banter of '07?" Not I! But lo and behold, I saw Ponytail Gym Guy on Saturday afternoon at our favorite hang out: uhhh- the gym. I arrived in my normal gym attire this time (opted out of the "business caz" as this is not really appropriate when I have actual workout intentions). The only other slight difference was I had just gotten my hair done, so there was some extra sass in my strut. I got on my favorite machine and within 10 minutes, Ponytail arrived. I could tell he arrived not only by the wash of plaid that crossed my vision, but the fact that my heart rate monitor that had just read 130 beats per minute shot up to 155 within a matter of seconds. He did his typical parade up and down the stairs to taunt me and the rest of the general straight female/gay male viewing public. When he finally came back downstairs, I made a point to be less discreet about my stare downs. I figured he might as well know I'm still totally interested slash I wanted to make sure there was no question of who I was. I really wasn't sure if he remembered what I looked like and I figured I had nothing to lose at this point. After a full hour of working out and no sign of recognition, I assumed our relationship had reached its limit and it was the end of the road for us. It had been a good ride. I talked to my trainer for a few minutes and she tried to encourage me to go back over to him and start up another conversation. Now although she has nothing but good intentions, I just couldn't bring myself to approach him again. Although he had taken a chance by responding to my MC, I had put myself out there enough times and it was his turn to step up (that is if he was interested). I went to the basement to change and when I came back up, I stopped at the juice bar to grab a drink. While it was being made, I turned around to get a drink from the water fountain. When I turned back, I was pleasantly surprised to see his (gorgeous) face. He approached me and said, "Hi," and all the necessary (re)introduction talk ensued. We stood there talking for probably 10 minutes- no awkward pauses, no strange Cirque du Soleil moves. He did lift his shirt up to wipe the sweat off his face a few times. But this time I was prepared and shielded my eyes from the "light," which is his un.stop.pa.ble bod. Around this time a gym employee approached (or should I say encroached) on our convo. He had been the one that signed me up for my membership and although he is super nice and I usually like talking with him, this was not the time! (Hello why are men oblivious to these things?) However Ponytail did not walk away, he stayed there while Membership Man and I joked for a few. He was integrated into the convo in a matter of minutes, but still he could have left at this very volatile moment. He stayed though...he stayed. That of course led me to believe he was interested in continuing our chat. And yes when Membership Man left, we continued the non-awkward banter. He asked me if I had plans for Halloween and I told him what I was doing. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he didn't have plans....hmmm, interesting. Should I invite him? Should I play it cool? Was he just making conversation? So many thoughts running through my head- oh and I totally forgot about my smoothie that's been ready forever! I didn't invite him and maybe I should have in the moment, but I did email him a brief message when I got home and included the info for the event. Of course I don't really expect him to show, because he will probably want to hang with his own friends on a holiday. But this definitely opens the door for a future night out together- but the ball is totally in his court. I have done what I can. It would be nice to see him on Halloween though, but only because he said he was dressing up as Tarzan. Wowzer! Ponytail + vines + hair down - shirt = Best Halloween Ever!

Variations on a Theme

So maybe it's the crispness of the Fall starting to seep in through the gutters, or maybe I have felt extra frisky, but this has been a busy week for me and the MC's....

14th St/8th Ave Station- Tuesday morning- 9:20 am- black jeans and brown hair - w4m- 25

you: tall and slender with a black t-shirt and black jeans walking from the L to the A
me: girl with green galoshes and a huge bag

I was checking you out all the way from the L to the uptown A. It was the only time I wished for a longer walk between trains. I sped up to meet your quick pace but inadvertently passed you too far. I looked back and you had taken a seat on the bench. I walked back towards you thinking perhaps I could lure you with my sexy "waiting for the train casually" stance, but then I saw Bennett and was completely distracted. I ran over to say hello to her and when we hugged, I looked down at you and we finally locked eyes. I would have loved to chat, but a girl cannot deny her bff in a chance subway encounter. Hopefully you'll be taking this route again soon and if you do, look for the blonde scouring for her future man.

Terminal 5 - 9 pm - Wednesday night- a total cutie with a beanie (and maybe a tie-dye shirt)- w4m - 25

you: cutie with long brown hair and a beanie at the Shins concert
me: blonde with black top, jeans and a plethora of headbands

You were obviously thrilled to be at this concert and you quietly mouthed the words to every song. It was pretty adorable. Your smile was contagious and I would have crept up closer, but you were with another girl (maybe your gf...hopefully your sister) I was with another guy, but just a friend! Maybe it was all the pot in the air, but something about you was working for me. After it was all over, we were corraled into a tight corridor and I tried to catch your eye. We locked eyes for a moment, but the next thing I knew I was shoved into the t-shirt booth and you were gone. Maybe we could meet at my place to listen to some tunes...or at least hit up another concert.

2nd Ave and 9th Street- Thursday night- 11:45 PM - a semi-crazy on the town- w4m- 25

you: the semi-crazy/possible homeless guy who dances with his belly exposed usually in front of "Love saves the Day" or "Pommes frites"
me: the semi-intoxicated blonde with new fall boots, cropped jacket and a sassy strut

I had just said goodbye to a friend when I turned onto 9th Street. You looked me up and down and immediately said "Oh my fuckin god, you are so beautiful." As I passed I laughed and then turned back to say, "Thanks....nice." I don't know what to make of this but I definitely think it was the best street come-on I've heard in a while. We may not have a future together, but that line was the perfect ending to a perfect night.

I don't find these posts...These posts find me!

We met for a drink and you caught me making out with a man - m4w - 25 (Upper East Side)

I'm sorry. You were taking so long in the bathroom and this guy was looking at me. Next thing I knew we were making out and you came back and stormed out of the bar. I just want you to know that I really liked you and I'm not gay, I just have gay experiences sometimes. You are a beautiful girl and I'm glad that you came on date with me. I would like very much to try again. This time I will give all my love to you.

There are so many things to question in this post. Namely the transition between the sentences "You were taking so long in the bathroom and this guy was looking at me." and "Next thing I know we were making out...." What?! And of course my favorite sentence of all time in a missed connection "...I'm not gay, I just have gay experiences sometimes." Ah yes, what woman in New York hasn't heard this sentiment? But believe me- do not fall for this! It is mere trickery!

Little Napoleon Strikes Again

Little Napoleon texted me again yesterday, asking if I wanted to meet up after work.

Ok, let's review.

I posted a missed connection ad for someone who was clearly not him. He responded. We made plans to hang out, those plans were foiled. That was five weeks ago. Since that time, he has emailed me twice, left me one voicemail, and sent me two text messages.

I know that the guys out there might be thinking, "Have a heart, let the guy know what's up!" I did let the guy know what's up. It's called not returning any form of communication for five weeks. That is what's up. In my experience, if you try to be a grown-up and say "Hey, I'm just not that into you" what the dude actually hears is "Please continue calling me and coming by my house to put mix cds in my mailbox for the next eight months."

Anyway, so my mind was blown.

And THEN, just when I thought my mind could not be blown ANY FURTHER, I get a text from him again today asking if I want to see a movie with him tonight.

I cannot comprehend what would drive someone to this bizarre level of masochism.

!!Update!!

So after more than a week of not seeing Gym Guy after he responded to my MC, I finally saw him last Thursday night. However he was working out with other people (including a personal trainer), so I couldn't decide if I should interrupt or not. Obviously I did, otherwise there would be no post and no hilarity to regale to our reader(s???). So after stalling brilliantly by the water fountain, I finally walked right up to him and introduced myself. What ensued was some hawkward banter (he was super "hot," I was super "awkward")

me: Hi, I'm Sasha. I am the one...I'm sorry if I'm coming off as a creepy stalker....(Oh god why did I say that- the only 2 words I was NOT supposed to say were "creepy" and "stalker" and I just said them- next to each other!)
him: No, it's ok. I'm sorry I didn't know who you were right off the bat. (What? He's apologizing? He's thoughtful and gorgeous? Now I'm just pissed!)
me: Well I don't know why you wouldn't remember! Only like 8,000 people work out here! (Is that my attempt at a joke?)
him: What? Oh yeah, right. (Well that went over well- I think I confused him.)
me: So umm... (Oh god he just lifted up his shirt to wipe the sweat off his face, so I saw his glistening abs in the moonlight - ok I added the moonlight part- they were florescent lights, but he still worked it and I was disoriented for a good 5 seconds.)
The next thing I know, he is being shown some bizarre move on a swinging weight machine thingy and he is going to attempt it. He goes over and proceeds to do some move that I think I saw in Cirque du Soleil. He bent all the way down pulling the weighted cords with him (flexing his arms, his thighs and abs- oh my) and then proceeded to bound 4 feet in the air, landing on the other side of the machine. I didn't know what was going on, except that he was obviously trying to work out and I was obviously in the way. He recovered and I went back to say bye.
me: Well that looked easy!
him: (trying to catch his breath) What? (Oh my god, could I be more awkward? No, no I couldn't)
me: Umm...I mean that was intense. I better let you get back to it. I just wanted to say hi.
him: (pant, pant) Umm.....yeah (pant, pant). Great. I'll see you around the gym.
me: Ok, well have fun, bye.

And thus ended the Hawkward Banter of '07. I figure no matter what happens, I am glad that I posted the MC, responded to his response, and mustered up the courage to speak to him in person. Maybe this was a round about way of doing things, but I think it's a step in the right direction. And even if we never speak again, I still get to check him out at the gym, so it's a win-win for me.

Another reason not to be deterred by labels

Hot MILF in the GYM early this morning - m4w - 42

You looked hot this morning. Those tight work out pants really become you. I helped you do some of the machines. You complained about me pushing you to hard. It will be fun tonight though. You know why? Because after 20+ years of marriage I still find you to be as hot as you were at 22 yrs old. See you when the lights go out tonight. And that is a Connection that will not be Missed.

Cute just called and it's handing over it's definition to you.

cute/awkward

the cute is you.

the awkward is me.

we were riding the F train downtown - I got on at 57 street and kept glancing at you, a tall, clean-cut, bespectacled gentleman in a blue patterned buttondown. i thought i caught you looking at me in my purple dress, wrestling with my orange coat a couple of times, but that's probably wishful thinking (or you were thinking, "she is having a really difficult time wrangling that coat"). i'd like to think that if i'd gotten off my ipod earlier, or you'd gotten off at west 4th when i did, i would have talked to you, but that's probably not the case. thus - the awkward. c'est moi.

Best post I've seen in awhile

(This of course does not include posts from our contributers)

october 13th- you: eating spaghetti - w4m (East Village)
you: eating spaghetti
me: walking past you on the street. watchin you eat spaghetti.
lets get married or touch boobs

(if he doesn't see this, it's a damn shame!)

The Gym Guy is on to Me!

So After countless hours of fawning and doting and finally posting an MC on Tuesday, he found it and responded:

To: Me
From: Him
Subject: This is Definitely Me

Hi, I'm very flattered by your post, but I really don't recall who you are. Please send a picture or approach me next time we are in the gym together. Even if I am 'in the zone', I like meeting new people.

Best,
Gym Guy

PS. Your post kinda made my day. I tried to send a picture but it was too big for craigslist to process. If you reply with your real email address I will send a photo to confirm I am me.

***Ok there are so many things to be said about him responding-

1) One of course is that this confirms that he reads MC's (potentially looking for himself)- minus points.

2) However I do the same thing plus I blog about it- double minus points for me

3) He used a "p.s." at the end of his note- triple cute points (slash possible gay points- I'm sorry people but I have to face reality)

4) My post "made his day"- self-esteem boost slash I am a little embarrassed- double points minus 3 for me

So all in all what I am basically saying is I am going to write him back but I am totally nervous, because if my identity is revealved and it's a disappointment, I might have to switch gyms.

pps- What does he mean when he says he "loves meeting new people?" (meet = sex or meet = possible long term-lasting relationship...I think I am up for either.....)

Holey Underwear and Other Reasons I'm Still Single

A few weeks ago, Bennett had a sort of missed connection.

We were at a bar and the guy asked her if she had a cigarette (she didn't) and some light banter ensued. We walked away, championing Bennett's classic MC. The guy was reasonably cute, there was flirtation, they had a moment.

Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I'd forgotten about the exchange but it came up in conversation tonight over drinks. Bennett admitted that she never wrote the missed connection.

"I think I analyze these too much," she said. "I think, 'Do I even want to date this guy?' I talk myself out of it."

I realized tonight, curled up in bed with a book, half a brownie, and my frumpiest pajamas, that I talk myself out of it, too. I've dated a fair amount and I've had two medium-to-long term relationships but I've been single now for well over a year and I'm really, really used to it. I like the fact that I don't have to shave my legs or share my bed or miss out on girls' night. I like that I can wear frumpy pajamas to bed and underwear with holes in them. I'm used to having my own space.

I'll admit that there have been times during this project (especially lately, in case you haven't noticed my extreme lack of missed connection posting) when I've met someone, had a moment, and then thought (with my holey underwear and Sex and the City marathons in mind): "Do I even want to date this guy?"

Of course, you can wear holey underwear in a solid, comfy relationship and some guys actually like Sex and the City but the general premise remains: when you're in a relationship, there is someone else there.

Anyway, a lot of you are in relationships and, despite all of this, if you're in a good relationship you know the truth. The truth is that at the end of the day when you tally up all the stained sweatshirts and the pints of Ben & Jerry's and the personal space and all the mutual support and the future-planning and the late night cuddling: You win.

But maybe I'm still not ready.

Spotted (again): Man with Ponytail and Awesome t-shirt collection

Crunch Gym - 8 pm - a tight bod (and yes a ponytail) - w4m - 24

you: mid-20's with plaid shorts, elephant t-shirt, bulging biceps, and a tight, tight....ponytail
me: blonde, light brown sports tank, black gym pants, and a headband

I saw you the moment I walked inside the gym last night and thought 'Where have you been all week?' You weren't wearing your standard tie-dye ensemble, but I appreciate the variety of kitschy/dorky/awesomely-hot t-shirt options. You pull it off very well (which is what I would like to do- hey!) I got onto a machine behind you to get a good view. But once a position was free in line with you, I bolted to get closer. I must have copped a look every 30 seconds, but you were obviously in the "zone." Once you were done, you went to the treadmill and then paraded up and down the stairs most likely just to taunt me. When you came back down to leave you were in jeans and you looked so good. I am obviously aware that I know nothing about you, but you seem very...skilled and agile. Maybe you could give me a few pointers- or at least be my spotter.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

Remember Curly (alias: Little Napoleon)?

He wrote me back the day after our failed meeting and said that he couldn't find me in the crowd and asked if I wanted to try again the next night. I wrote him back saying that I was real busy but maybe some other time. I was nice but intentionally vague in a way that was intended to convey that I was making an excuse to help him save face. He emailed the next week to see if things had slowed down and I didn't respond. He never wrote me again.

I was talking with some friends recently about the phenomenon of The Guy Who Never Lets Go. We all know this guy. You go on one date and then never return another phone call... six months later, you're still hearing from him once a week. It's sad, it's pathetic, it's completely bizarre-o. Unfortunately, The Guy Who Never Lets Go has a close relative known to some as The Girl Who Never Lets Go and, let's face of it, some of us are intimately acquainted with her.

But that's for another post.

Anyway, the point is that no matter how awkward, unattractive, or otherwise unsuitable a guy may be, if I blow him off and he takes the hint, he rises immeasurably in my esteem. Of course, it's a Catch-22 because of the guy tries to cash in on this newfound respect by calling me, he turns irreversibly into The Guy That My Girlfriends Mock over Brunch.

Anyway, Curly-- despite his unattractive eagerness and diminutive stature-- had earned a place in my Guys Who Actually Get It Hall of Fame.

That is, until today.


from Curly [little_napoleon@gmail.com]
to Alex [misconnecting.in.the.city@gmail.com]
date Oct 10, 2007 10:33 AM
subject hey

Hey Alex,

we were supposed to get together the other week. Been a busy time of
year. But id still like to chill. What are you doing this week? Im
working all week. Want to get together one night after work, for real
this time? Theres a snowboard movie i kind of wanted to check out, it
ends on the 11th. Talk to you soon.

- C


Why, Curly, WHY?

I hate ignoring people but responding is obviously going to only extend this further and considering the fact that I have exchanged a total of, like, three very impersonal emails with this guy, I don't think that a full disclosure is really in order.

p.s. SNOWBOARDING movie?

I love this series of posts

October 3rd, 8:15 pm
hot indian - w4m - 28 (streeterville)
to the hot indian at my bus stop,you not the typical indian: rugged, sexy and gorgeous. Every girl at the bus stop had their eye on you. Hope to see you again. What does it take for you to notice me?

October 5th, 8:37 pm
Who is the hot indian? - w4m - 26 (streeterville)
I keep reading about this hot India guy around streeterville. The only ones I see are the geeky or preppies that go to NW> dress the same look the same.Ofcourse the dot.com guys . Haven't seen you atypical rugged, gorgeous India guys other than in bollywood. So who is this craigslist legend?

October 5th, 10:43 pm
hot indian - w4m - 25 (streeterville)
hot indian, I know, my neighbor. Lives in my building and rides bus nuber 29. Great guy too,definetly not your typical doctor type. according to our doorman he might be taken ,have not seen him with any girls.Definetly u girls should give it a shot. He is a nice guy.

October 5th, 11:34 pm
To the Hot Indian poster (Dude)
You do realize that nobody is going to reply to your posts about yourself, right?

Rub-A-Dub (I want this man in my Tub)

Cosmos Laundromat - 7:30 pm - a ponytail and a green laundry sack - mid-20's

you: very sexy, scruffy, long hair brown pulled back, lugging a green laundry sack
me: blonde, purple silk blouse and jeans, searching frantically for a machine

I noticed you on the street first and my heart skipped a beat when I saw you walk in my laundromat. If you can look hot picking up laundry, I know you're the man for me. You immediately went to the back to pick up your bag from the Indian man with the mean look. I scrabbled for a free machine while trying to catch another glance. You crossed back and we nearly ran into each other, then exchanged looks. I followed you to the front of the store to look for other machines. You tilted your head to look back at me. You were either into me too or thought I was following you awkwardly. Let's hope it's the former, cause I could use some good clean fun.

To quote Feist, "Let it die."

Over two weeks ago, I decided not to respond to the hand model/magician/comedian/danny devito look-a-like's last email. He took that a sign to email me some more...

hey, how ru?! what's up? hope all is well..have a great one!

cheers,

H

:)


1. "ru" isn't allowed you're texting and extremely rushed. Or, you're my 15 yr old cousin.
2. ? and ! are not allowed together (period).
3. When using "cheers" in a vague attempt to convince secret love interests you are british, do not use your real email address - which they will use to look you up on myspace and discover you are from/currently residing in Long Island.

Just another Saturday afternoon in the City

Is it possible to have a missed connection with an object...?

Are you 18?

lost opp-arrrrrrrgh-tunity!

oh no! i just got home to find this from 4 hours ago in my gmail from the pirate:

Any plans tonight?
I'm planning on running tomorrow morning, so not thinking about
drinking a lot, but I had a long day and kinda feel like grabbing a
drink.

and i totally would have! at least the offer's on the table...