Thursday, July 31, 2008

Because we (obviously) need ANOTHER internet addiction...

Through a tip from a friend I met on another addictive internet site, I give you this:

Not as time-sucking as the regular Craigslist MC's, but still good to know it exists.

why does this never happen to me// anyone, except in Meg Ryan movies

I came across this in my sometimes nightly cl overview (which, honestly, includes the missed connections, but also the pet section and me looking for mid-century furniture). Is it totally wrong that it kinda brought a small tear to my eye? I am a little weepy lately. And seriously what a BUMMER for this woman, but good for her, for writing this so many years on.

Troy, It's been almost 8 years - w4m - 31 (LaGuardia Marriott)

We both stayed at the LGA Marriott regularly on business, you on the 6th floor in the Executive Suites and me usually on the 2nd or 3rd. Our eyes would often lock as we passed each other in the lobby. Your over 6-foot, sexy, mocha brown frame was such a gorgeous sight to behold so early in the morning before I had to facilitate a testing session in one of the lower level conference rooms. I saw you in shorts one day and nearly died. My friend Juany, one of the customer service reps, gave me your name and told me that you were a frequent guest.

We almost connected on one visit. It was late and we were both in the hotel bar sitting directly across from one another but before we had the chance to conversate, some surfer dude spoiled the fun by trying to hit on me. I got really drunk off cherry daquiris while you watched amused as I tried to get rid of the guy. You followed me onto the elevator where we were finally alone. You asked me if I was calling it a night. Unable to trust myself in my inebriation I mumbled something seemingly intelligible in reply before scurrying off to my room. I really wanted to invite you to come with me. If my room had have been on a higher floor I might have.

You left early the next morning so I gave one of the bellhops my business card to pass on to you. You must have got it because the next day as I prepared to depart on the airport shuttle you motioned to me through the window. You mouthed a question, "when are you coming back?" I replied in two weeks and you smiled. That was the last time I saw you. I didn't make it back for almost 5 weeks and by the time I did you were gone.

I left that job four months later and haven't been back to NYC since. I've thought about you and what might have been though. I even wrote and sent in a crazy poem about you to my local radio station's "Crazy Reasons To Go To New York" contest and won plane tickets but I let them expire.

I'm wondering if you're still single and if there is still a chance...

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Guys. This is Getting Silly.

Regular readers of the blog may remember Versatile Fun: The Saga of Jared and Ernest: A Gay Stalker Love Story,* as a somewhat terrifying, yet also amusing warning against the evils of messing with someone on the internet.

So it seems that Ernest's incessant posting on the Missed Connections board has turned into incessant emailing of "Jared," but with little real content. The content is what makes it fun to read, though...these emails are just sort of sad:

July 19


Have a happy Madison Gay Pride week-end!**



July 21


July 29

I miss your smiling face!

I'm a terrible person.

*This is what the title of this adventure would be if there were a cable network equivalent to Lifetime, but for aging gays instead of middle-aged women (and 20-somethings who watch it "ironically"but actually really liked Video Voyeur: The Susan Wilson Story).

**Apparently this email was sent from 1907, when they spelled things "week-end," "to-morrow," and "base-ball."

A note on the photo on this post:
This is the first image that appears when you search "gay stalker" on flickr. Incidentally, my sister sent me a greeting card with this image once in which she pointed out that he looked like Hugh Jackman. Her roommates said "Jesus was gay?" and "Hot jeans."
photo courtesy of patricking

Monday, July 28, 2008

Why Can't I Have a Hot Neighbor?

We share a wall - m4w - 23 (Madison)
Reply to: ***************
Date: 2008-07-27, 9:32PM CDT

You and I share a wall, call each other sometimes when we are too lazy to walk over. Sometimes I cuddle with your kitty. You make some mean patatas bravas!

You are pretty damn hot and enjoy some late night Dateline. I appreciate you more than you know. Email me if you want to brown chicken brown cow in the hallway sometime!!!


connecting wall... - w4m - 31 (brownstone)
Reply to: ***************
Date: 2008-07-27, 10:07PM CDT

you, hot sexy gardener with a love of cartoons and craigslist!!! me, broke retail associate clinging to her self respect. brown chicken brown cow me sometime i'll bring the potatas bravas you bring the ulitmate nachos and we'll have a meal made in heaven. knock 3 times on the wall when you're ready to meet. ditto with the appreciation.....

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Couches on the Lawn

My friends had a yard sale today and I stopped by to help drink their lemonade. At one point in the afternoon, a cute dude rode by on his bike and smiled at me. I smiled back and then looked down, shyly.

A moment later, I looked back up and he was still smiling at me and continued smiling until he was out of view.

Hollah back, craigslist!

couches on the lawn - w4m - 26
Reply to: ****************
Date: 2008-07-27, 3:06PM CDT

when: sunday afternoon, around 2pm
where: _______ st., near the hardware store
you: reddish hair, riding a bicycle
me: blonde hair, cut-off jeans, lounging on a $15 couch at a yard sale in my friends' front yard

we smiled at each other for a borderline ridiculous length of time. you should have stopped by-- i might have been able to score you a deal on some bing crosby records.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Wait, Is This All You Have to Do?

Is this all you have to do to get someone to write a missed connection post about you? Well, why didn't you just say so!


To the girl who rubbed my face on her boobs - m4w (the duck pond)
Reply to:
Date: 2008-07-12, 10:24AM CDT

Sorry if I was a little unresponsive, I was a little drunk and not actually used to girls volunteering to rub their boobs on my face (I know, I know, I don't know what's wrong with me either). Anyways, they were very nice boobs, you made my night!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Jared Has Still Not Been Murdered, But I'm Starting to Worry

First, this happened.

Then, there was this.

Since I am now physically in the same city as Alex and could ostensibly do the stakeout we considered in earlier incarnations of this saga, I thought I'd take a look-see in the old Gay Stalker email account and check on our friend Ernest.

He has emailed again, unprovoked.


You should come over for a beer sometime! I don't get to see you anymore in the mornings as my schedule changed at work. Hope you are well you sexy guy. Let me know if you want me to make you feel good! I aim to please.

Your not so secret admirer,

Y'all. I do not want to exacerbate this problem. But I also feel slightly responsible for the emotional well-being of this obviously lonely soul who now thinks that Jared a) knows exactly who he is and b) is consciously ignoring his pleas for attention.

What do I do?

Also, on an unrelated note, I'd just like to point out that Ernest's first email included such phrases as "suck your cock," while this email simply invites Jared over for a beer. Mysterious.


UPDATE 7/11/08:

Alex and I went on a recon mission to the 7-11, just to see what was going on there. The results:
- they have $0.59 sodas (any size) all summer long
- someone named "Chris" who is definitely not latino and is also approx. 14 years old works there
- we are not good at deducing the difference between "I am leaving at 10 [PM because that is the end of my shift]" and "I am leaving at 10 [AM because that is when I am going on a road trip]." The aforementioned employee apparently meant the latter, but we thought he meant the former, because when we went back to the 7-11, with an additional team member in tow, after 10pm, under the impression that Jared would have shown up, Chris was still there. Still no sign of Jared.

We did, however, drive past Ernest's house.

Friday, July 4, 2008

I Hope These Are For Each Other

Apt. #309 - m4w

Reply to: ************
Date: 2008-07-03, 4:26PM CDT

You are beautiful!


#207 in my apartment building - w4m

Reply to: ************
Date: 2008-07-04, 9:58AM CDT

207 in my apartment complex your hot! I just wanted to say that we have been neighbors for a year and I think your hot and every time I talk to you, you are super nice! I am sad to know that your moving out this year. To bad we never turned in to anything it would have been fun. We have a lot in common. I was always to shy to see if you wanted to hang out. You seem like such a great guy, I wish I would have gotten to know you better. You should have asked me to go fishing with you!


#207 in my apartment building - w4m - m4w - 24

Reply to: ************
Date: 2008-07-04, 5:10PM CDT

You should knock on #219 sometime. Especially if you're hot, and like watching movies in HD.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Cause we need more reasons to show up in a creepster's Google search

I simply couldn't help it...this one was too good.

To the girl with the vagina - m4w (Upper East Side)

You are a girl, so I am pretty sure you have a vagina. The whole time I was thinking about talking to you, I was also thinking about your sweet, sweet vagina.

Vagina, vagina, vagina! The word flows off of the tongue like some sort of pagan incantation of carnal delight. I would have loved it if you had wanted me to stick my ding-dong in your furry cookie.

If you read this, and you are interested, send me an e-mail. (I know, no one reads these, right!?) But if it is you, describe your vagina to me in detail so I know it is you. Just to be safe, you should also describe your breasts. (Not to be a creep, but I want to be certain that it is you.)

Well no, you certainly don't want to come off as a creep.