OH. MY. GOD. (or possibly, Satan)

Okay, so we had a weird encounter with this dude. Fine. It happens all the time. I checked my account today and found a new response from The Naturalizer:

I would like to invite you to ponder some of the final things in life. Remember life is short. As such, I would like to invite you to accept Jesus as your Lord & Savior. The Bible states that everyone has fallen short and sinned and is therefore subject to eternal damnation unless they accept Jesus as their savior. Check out the following link and websites:

http://www.satansrapture.com/salvation.htm

They explain it better than I can... Best of luck..if you check them out.

Wait...WHAT?

No, really. WHAT THE FUCK, Y'ALL?!?!?

First of all, this website is FUCKING BONKERS, and I couldn't really tell if it was pro- or anti-Jesus at first (I believe it to be pro-Jesus).

Second, what kind of evangelical strategy is this? It's SO time-consuming. I assume they have some sort of setup wherein they respond to all the Missed Connections and use it as a jumping-off point, but this DOES NOT EXPLAIN the hairy armpit thing. At all. Like...I am just so, so baffled right now.

Virgin Sacrifices and Other Unlikely Events

ALEX. oh speaking of which i had a weird thing last night
ALEX. this is a little bit of a non-story, i'm going to warn you
FRANKIE. ok
ALEX. we were closing the store
ALEX. and this dude was standing by the register
ALEX. (which i was closing)
ALEX. while his friend used the bathroom
ALEX. and i'm, like, counting money
FRANKIE. ok
ALEX. and he asks me:
ALEX. "have you ever considered joining a sorority?"
ALEX. and i'm like "um"
ALEX. "what?"
ALEX. and then he repeats himself or whatever
ALEX. and i'm like "i'm not in college"
ALEX. "also: go away, because i feel like you are trying to get me to join your freaky cult"
ALEX. (but not that last part)
ALEX. and he's like "well it doesn't have to be that kind of sorority..."
ALEX. and then he says a bunch of other stuff
ALEX. that makes it sound like he's leading up to asking me to sacrifice cornish hens
ALEX. and i'm, like, freaked
FRANKIE. WHAT
ALEX. i can't really remember what else was said
ALEX. but my lasting impression was that he was actually just HITTING ON ME
ALEX. and trying to strike up a convo
ALEX. in literally the weirdest way ever
ALEX. while i am trying to count money to close the register
ALEX. and i feel like i was kind of rude to him
ALEX. but he was cute
ALEX. and now i'm like "what?"
FRANKIE. ok that is super weird
ALEX. what he said was that his friends and he were having a conversation
ALEX. about how groups like sororities downplay individuality
ALEX. but that they can have a really positive impact on people
ALEX. so they were trying to think how a group like that could work for "non-joiners"
ALEX. who want to retain their individuality
ALEX. while also being part of a community
...
FRANKIE. huh
...
ALEX. why am i telling you all of this
ALEX. i told you it was a non-story
ALEX. it might have still been a cult
FRANKIE. no, i think it's a story
FRANKIE. but yes, most likely a cult
ALEX. anyway i was thinking of posting a missed connection for him

===

"have you ever considered joining a sorority?" - w4m - 26 (downtown coffeeshop)
Reply to: *************@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-28, 12:59PM CDT

... is the question you asked me while I was trying to close the register last night. I was pretty convinced that you were trying to recruit me for your virgin-sacrificing cult, but after you left, it occurred to me that maybe you were flirting with me?

Sorry if I was a little stand-offish. I was trying to count 20's. And, you know, avoid the occult.

===

ALEX. should i be googling "the occult" at work?
ALEX. i'm writing an MC
ALEX. (sends link)
ALEX. is that offensive?
FRANKIE. i don't think that's offensive
ALEX. am i going to get nasty emails from a coven of 19-year-old wiccans?
ALEX. can i say coven?
ALEX. now i'm googling coven
ALEX. i'm going to get fired

===

ALEX. i'm posting on the blog now
ALEX. highlights from this convo are included
ALEX. though you seriously have like three lines
ALEX. due to my excessive talking
FRANKIE. there are no small parts, only small actors

photo credit bitzcelt

You Make Me Feel Like a Natural...WOMANNNNN

I received a response to one of my recent MC's (I don't know which one, and I don't know that it matters, really) that I had to respond to. What transpired...well, it serves me right, I guess.

Him:
8/22, 11:54pm: Are you a natural girl (don't shave your armpits)? or are you open to not shaving? I find women that are natural and don't shave at all very attractive. I am 31 and live in [neighborhood near mine]. Email me if you are interested in chatting further. I have pics. to share...

Me:
8/25, 7:52pm: I don’t shave anything if I can help it. Send pics and let’s chat more.

Him:
8/25, 7:58pm: So how old are you? Where do you live? Here is a pic. taken at work...please send a pic
8/25, 8:15pm: So did you receive my pic?
8/25, 8:36pm: So are you interested in chatting further?
8/25, 9:14pm: Are you going to respond? I sent a pic.
8/26, 9:52pm: so?
8/27, 8:25pm: So where is your pic? You received mine. What is wrong with you?

What IS wrong with me?

Outside. You and me. Right now.

You: plaid-shirted server at my favorite out-of-the-way, moderately priced eatery

Me: girl at the head of the table of giggling women and one man

You kicked my foot, but you apologized/were cute, so I was fine with it. I will, however, take you down (if you're into that kind of thing). You may have overheard the part where the one gentleman at our table (the S.O. of one of our intimidating number) told a story re: someone shitting herself during a race. This is our idea of classy dinner conversation.

Stop Being So Distractingly Attractive, Guitarist for Baby Wants Candy - w4m

I wanted to watch a Meals on Wheels driver fuck an old lady, not be dazzled by your adorableness.

Accentuate the Positive

You: 5 adorable boys from various parts of the former British Empire
Us: 2 ladies who were (probably very obviously) eavesdropping on you to hear your accents

When you first walked in, my friend wrote on her Blackberry, "They're cute, so they're probably gay." Then, when we realized you weren't Yankees, we realized that maybe you were just stylish because you were from a country where style in a man does not necessarily go hand-in-hand with man-love. That's when we started listening. At some point, I said, "You know, we could just ASK them where they're from." My friend did so, and we learned that one of you was Australian and the rest of you "just wish they were."

If you need some tour guides, let us know.

Express* what you've got, oh baby, ready or not

When: this morning, half an hour after I was supposed to have been at work (9:30)
Where: Uptown 4 train between Union Square and Grand Central
You: Blonde dude in a red t-shirt and jeans. Your outfit - definitely a look that said "I am either unemployed, or work in the tech industry" - was rather nondescript, actually, but for the AMAZING HAT you were wearing. You looked like a member of the Buena Vista Social Club...but cute. And not old. Or Cuban.
Me: Flustered-looking girl in a brown dress that could have been a costume on Charlie's Angels, listening to "Jordan, Jesse, GO" on my iPod and chuckling occasionally between stealing glances at you. I'm glad I was late today.

UPDATE, 5:52pm:

I've gotten one response to this ad today, and it appears to be someone trying to promote YET ANOTHER missed connections-type site: Missed Kisses. I have several problems with this site, but honestly, the biggest one is the use of Comic Sans, which to me always makes a website look like an 8th grade class project from 1997.

*For non-New York readership: the 4 train is an express train, particularly useful on this fine morning, since I was running late.

Not Technically a Missed Connection, but Just as Gross

Frankie and her roommates said:

This futon has served us well, but alas, we have come into possession of a slightly better couch, and just don't have room for this one any longer! It's in fine condition, but definitely used - we just want it to go to a good home.

- Solid wood construction
- Light pine finish
- Black cushion (don't worry, nothing untoward has happened here...sadly)
- Only moderately drink-stained armrests

This is perfect for someone who just needs quick furniture and isn't terribly concerned with looks - you can tell it's a couple years old. But it's comfy, functional, and folds out into a bed. What more could you want from a futon? Just come pick it up (with some buddies) and it's all yours.

Some perv said:

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

Oh my gawd my prayers have been answered I need that my bed is so old that the springs are coming out of the top! Has your bed seen action? Any "love" stains on it? If not can you provide me with some? I love to bury my head on the stains and sniff until I pass out. I can't get anyone to provide me with fresh stains anymore cause of the condition of the bed. Well where and when? I must have this!

I'll double your asking price if you can provide the stains! But beware I will smell for authenticity before I pay you and take it away. What do you say
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Best of Missed Connections

Oh I love the summer- kids skipping in every playground, cuties out with their petite pups and even more Craigslist goodness. I guess as the clothes come off, people feel less inhibited in their virtual worlds as well...check it.

Sexiest trashman ever! - w4m

I know you probably get this a lot, but you are the hottest garbage man I have ever seen. Every Tuesday, I wait at my window desperately at 8:00 AM waiting for you. I love your strong muscles; not matter how heavy my waste is, you have no problem lifting it. Sometimes I hide bricks in there just so I can see your sweaty big muscles in real action. You may know my house specifically because I always leave my old lingerie lying on top of all my other trash. I put it out there for you, you know. I want you to have them. Don't worry, I spray a little perfume on them before I toss them so they don't smell anymore. Anyway, if you like what you see in my trash, come inside sometime, there will be plenty more of where that came from. ;)
Love,
Your Secret Admirer
P.S. I'm single with no kids. All the diapers are from my grandmother who lives with me.