It's Not Over.

Subject: Wanna Fuck?
Body of Email: :-)

Oh, Ernest.

He's baaaaa-aaaaaack

Ernest wrote:
You still work at 7-11? I don't get there during the early mornings anymore. Hope you had a great summer.

Wow. Talk about carrying a torch...this guy could do the entire Olympic torch march by himself.

You can ice MY cookie anytime

Caitlin over at Serious Eats found and posted this insane-o craigslist ad (which has, sadly, since been flagged for removal). It's...well, it's amazing. Someone spent a sizable chunk of time crafting this ad for maximum hilarity. Well played.

new york craigslist > manhattan > rooms & shares

$1 Room for ONE DOLLAR in bright, clean apartment (Upper West Side) (map)
Reply to: hous-834022781@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-09-09, 1:44PM EDT

I am looking for someone to rent the spare bedroom in my spacious 2-bedroom apartment on the picturesque and desirable Upper West Side. You must read carefully, however, as this situation is not suitable for all.

The rent is $1 per month, utilities included, as long as you bake me fifty (50) tasty cookies every day by 6 p.m. If you have not completed this task by 6 p.m., I will pour vinegar on all your belongings, throw them into the street, and have the locks changed. No exceptions and no excuses. Hell or high water, those cookies better be done and yummy.

Cookies are always cookies and never biscuits. I do not eat “biscuits”.

I will decide the specific type of cookie the day before and will submit my preference in writing by 9 p.m. of that day. You are responsible for the recipe and ALL the ingredients (at your expense, of course). The kitchen is large and well equipped with cookie sheets, rolling pins, mixing bowls, etc. You may NOT hum or sing as you prepare the cookies. You may, however, recite song lyrics in a normal speaking voice.

Forbidden ingredients include anise, marjoram, allspice, caraway, and oats. I will nevertheless request oatmeal cookies from time to time and you must find a way to make them without oats. Good luck with that. The worst ingredient of all, though, is NUTMEG. If even one speck of nutmeg, even the tracest amount of the stuff, is discovered in my home, I will pour vinegar on your belongings and chuck them in the street. You may assume the locks will be changed. You may use cinnamon, cloves, and raisins, though I am rather indifferent to these and will likely not be impressed. Chocolate is encouraged, as is vanilla bean extract.

You will be given three cookie cutters: a crescent moon, a star, and a doggie in profile. All cookies must be in one of those three shapes. The doggies must be given names and all the names must be different and cute. Cuteness is my call, not yours. For example, “Smuggins” is cute but “Lionel” is not.

The cookies must be artfully arranged on a lace cloth on a silver platter and garnished. Permissible garnishes include jellied fruits and candied flowers. Sugared figs are under review, but don’t get your hopes up.

Your room contains a twin bed, a dresser, a desk w/chair, and a TV with cable access. The TV is tuned permanently to the Food Network. You may watch only shows featuring cookies and cookie by-products.

If you are interested in this arrangement, please submit the following:

1) Your favorite cookie recipe
2) A picture of tasty cookies
3) A short original poem about cookies

Thank you.

86 at B’way google map yahoo map

photo credit: lasuprema on flickr

OH. MY. GOD. (or possibly, Satan)

Okay, so we had a weird encounter with this dude. Fine. It happens all the time. I checked my account today and found a new response from The Naturalizer:

I would like to invite you to ponder some of the final things in life. Remember life is short. As such, I would like to invite you to accept Jesus as your Lord & Savior. The Bible states that everyone has fallen short and sinned and is therefore subject to eternal damnation unless they accept Jesus as their savior. Check out the following link and websites:

http://www.satansrapture.com/salvation.htm

They explain it better than I can... Best of luck..if you check them out.

Wait...WHAT?

No, really. WHAT THE FUCK, Y'ALL?!?!?

First of all, this website is FUCKING BONKERS, and I couldn't really tell if it was pro- or anti-Jesus at first (I believe it to be pro-Jesus).

Second, what kind of evangelical strategy is this? It's SO time-consuming. I assume they have some sort of setup wherein they respond to all the Missed Connections and use it as a jumping-off point, but this DOES NOT EXPLAIN the hairy armpit thing. At all. Like...I am just so, so baffled right now.

Virgin Sacrifices and Other Unlikely Events

ALEX. oh speaking of which i had a weird thing last night
ALEX. this is a little bit of a non-story, i'm going to warn you
FRANKIE. ok
ALEX. we were closing the store
ALEX. and this dude was standing by the register
ALEX. (which i was closing)
ALEX. while his friend used the bathroom
ALEX. and i'm, like, counting money
FRANKIE. ok
ALEX. and he asks me:
ALEX. "have you ever considered joining a sorority?"
ALEX. and i'm like "um"
ALEX. "what?"
ALEX. and then he repeats himself or whatever
ALEX. and i'm like "i'm not in college"
ALEX. "also: go away, because i feel like you are trying to get me to join your freaky cult"
ALEX. (but not that last part)
ALEX. and he's like "well it doesn't have to be that kind of sorority..."
ALEX. and then he says a bunch of other stuff
ALEX. that makes it sound like he's leading up to asking me to sacrifice cornish hens
ALEX. and i'm, like, freaked
FRANKIE. WHAT
ALEX. i can't really remember what else was said
ALEX. but my lasting impression was that he was actually just HITTING ON ME
ALEX. and trying to strike up a convo
ALEX. in literally the weirdest way ever
ALEX. while i am trying to count money to close the register
ALEX. and i feel like i was kind of rude to him
ALEX. but he was cute
ALEX. and now i'm like "what?"
FRANKIE. ok that is super weird
ALEX. what he said was that his friends and he were having a conversation
ALEX. about how groups like sororities downplay individuality
ALEX. but that they can have a really positive impact on people
ALEX. so they were trying to think how a group like that could work for "non-joiners"
ALEX. who want to retain their individuality
ALEX. while also being part of a community
...
FRANKIE. huh
...
ALEX. why am i telling you all of this
ALEX. i told you it was a non-story
ALEX. it might have still been a cult
FRANKIE. no, i think it's a story
FRANKIE. but yes, most likely a cult
ALEX. anyway i was thinking of posting a missed connection for him

===

"have you ever considered joining a sorority?" - w4m - 26 (downtown coffeeshop)
Reply to: *************@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-28, 12:59PM CDT

... is the question you asked me while I was trying to close the register last night. I was pretty convinced that you were trying to recruit me for your virgin-sacrificing cult, but after you left, it occurred to me that maybe you were flirting with me?

Sorry if I was a little stand-offish. I was trying to count 20's. And, you know, avoid the occult.

===

ALEX. should i be googling "the occult" at work?
ALEX. i'm writing an MC
ALEX. (sends link)
ALEX. is that offensive?
FRANKIE. i don't think that's offensive
ALEX. am i going to get nasty emails from a coven of 19-year-old wiccans?
ALEX. can i say coven?
ALEX. now i'm googling coven
ALEX. i'm going to get fired

===

ALEX. i'm posting on the blog now
ALEX. highlights from this convo are included
ALEX. though you seriously have like three lines
ALEX. due to my excessive talking
FRANKIE. there are no small parts, only small actors

photo credit bitzcelt

You Make Me Feel Like a Natural...WOMANNNNN

I received a response to one of my recent MC's (I don't know which one, and I don't know that it matters, really) that I had to respond to. What transpired...well, it serves me right, I guess.

Him:
8/22, 11:54pm: Are you a natural girl (don't shave your armpits)? or are you open to not shaving? I find women that are natural and don't shave at all very attractive. I am 31 and live in [neighborhood near mine]. Email me if you are interested in chatting further. I have pics. to share...

Me:
8/25, 7:52pm: I don’t shave anything if I can help it. Send pics and let’s chat more.

Him:
8/25, 7:58pm: So how old are you? Where do you live? Here is a pic. taken at work...please send a pic
8/25, 8:15pm: So did you receive my pic?
8/25, 8:36pm: So are you interested in chatting further?
8/25, 9:14pm: Are you going to respond? I sent a pic.
8/26, 9:52pm: so?
8/27, 8:25pm: So where is your pic? You received mine. What is wrong with you?

What IS wrong with me?

Outside. You and me. Right now.

You: plaid-shirted server at my favorite out-of-the-way, moderately priced eatery

Me: girl at the head of the table of giggling women and one man

You kicked my foot, but you apologized/were cute, so I was fine with it. I will, however, take you down (if you're into that kind of thing). You may have overheard the part where the one gentleman at our table (the S.O. of one of our intimidating number) told a story re: someone shitting herself during a race. This is our idea of classy dinner conversation.

Stop Being So Distractingly Attractive, Guitarist for Baby Wants Candy - w4m

I wanted to watch a Meals on Wheels driver fuck an old lady, not be dazzled by your adorableness.

Accentuate the Positive

You: 5 adorable boys from various parts of the former British Empire
Us: 2 ladies who were (probably very obviously) eavesdropping on you to hear your accents

When you first walked in, my friend wrote on her Blackberry, "They're cute, so they're probably gay." Then, when we realized you weren't Yankees, we realized that maybe you were just stylish because you were from a country where style in a man does not necessarily go hand-in-hand with man-love. That's when we started listening. At some point, I said, "You know, we could just ASK them where they're from." My friend did so, and we learned that one of you was Australian and the rest of you "just wish they were."

If you need some tour guides, let us know.

Express* what you've got, oh baby, ready or not

When: this morning, half an hour after I was supposed to have been at work (9:30)
Where: Uptown 4 train between Union Square and Grand Central
You: Blonde dude in a red t-shirt and jeans. Your outfit - definitely a look that said "I am either unemployed, or work in the tech industry" - was rather nondescript, actually, but for the AMAZING HAT you were wearing. You looked like a member of the Buena Vista Social Club...but cute. And not old. Or Cuban.
Me: Flustered-looking girl in a brown dress that could have been a costume on Charlie's Angels, listening to "Jordan, Jesse, GO" on my iPod and chuckling occasionally between stealing glances at you. I'm glad I was late today.

UPDATE, 5:52pm:

I've gotten one response to this ad today, and it appears to be someone trying to promote YET ANOTHER missed connections-type site: Missed Kisses. I have several problems with this site, but honestly, the biggest one is the use of Comic Sans, which to me always makes a website look like an 8th grade class project from 1997.

*For non-New York readership: the 4 train is an express train, particularly useful on this fine morning, since I was running late.