Wednesday, April 30, 2008

And Now a Word from Our Sponsors

A typical Tuesday night email conversation between Alex, Frankie, Nicky, and Sasha. Scandalous deets removed, names changed to protect the guilty. Behold the wonder.

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ALEX:

So there's this dude, right?

He's a friend of a friend and he's super cute, although not really my type. We met at a party a few months ago and he was flirting with me to a ridiculous degree, but he was drunk so I kind of took it with a grain of salt.

A month or so later, I'm telling our mutual friend how desperately I need some make-out action in my life and she's like, "I bet _____ would make out with you" and then she told me that he thinks I'm super cute! What?

Flash forward to: This weekend at a party. He's there and I'm looking, like, ridiculously cute. Gold vintage-y dress, black tights, black fuck-me boots, turquoise top, hot pink sweater. I even brushed my hair. Eyeliner. Possibly over did it.

So we're both there and we are essentially not speaking at all because I am the Most Socially Awkward Person on the Planet. We end up leaving the party at the same time and walk out together.

Dude. So... where are you going now?
Me. Um... I'm just walking home.
Dude. Oh, ok.
(silence.)
Dude. Do you want a ride?
(beat)
Me. Um...
Dude. Or are you good? Ok, you're good, that's cool--
Me. No, I'd like a ride.

So he gives me a ride, which lasts literally like 25 seconds because I live next door, and during that 25 seconds he PLAYS A SONG FOR ME because he wants me to hear it. Who does that, right? And it's totes cute, but then we get to my house and I literally leap from the car before it has even come to a full and complete stop and I run into my house.

Please see: Most Socially Awkward Person Ever.

Anyway, I just discovered that he's on Facebook, but we have no mutual Facebook friends and he isn't listed under the email address that I have for him. AKA If I add him, it will be clear that I specifically looked up his last name and then searched for him on Facebook.

Creepy / not creepy?

p.s. Ummmm longest email ever!

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FRANKIE:

No boy will ever EVER have this conversation with his buddy:

Dude 1. So, Alex added me as a friend on Facebook.
Dude 2. Whoa, weird... I wonder how she found you, since the email address you use on Facebook is totally not the one you use in real life, and you have no mutual friends.
Dude 1. She must have looked on gmail for my last name and then searched for me. That's stalkery.

I think it goes something more like this:

Dude 1. So, Alex added me as a friend on Facebook.
Dude 2. SCORE.

Nutshell: Girls overthink. Boys don't. Of the millions and billions of possible outcomes we imagine, boys think of, like, one: Sweet action. So don't sweat it, add him as a friend, and if he gets weirded out, whatevs, dude.

p.s. I won't go into the whole story right now since i don't want to steal no thunder from this chain, but this weekend a dude made me a paper plate with a robot face on it that says "platebot loves you". Then I did a little stalking... turns out dude HAS A GIRLFRIEND. I hate my life. But I love you guys.

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ALEX:

Um, please steal my thunder because that sounds like an amazing story!

Also, if my boyfriend ever told another girl that he loved her via a paper plate robot, I would so dump his ass. That's worse than sex. Also: he sounds adorable. Maybe they broke up and he just forgot to change his status? Slash is still in the "grace period" when you are not technically allowed to change your status?

p.s. I sent a Facebook friend request with the message "what's up yo!" because apparently I want him to see me as "one of the guys". I think The Girl's Guide to Dating and Going Steady would advise against. Also, I hope that I added the right person because his picture was tiny and there were like 85 people with the same name as him, including a baby.

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NICKY:

I read some of that Girl's Guide to Dating and Going Steady in an issue of OK! magazine. According to the guidelines, when at a bar, on a date, or just in proximity of any available man, you should always order a provocatively named cocktail. Dammit! I knew the reason I haven't met someone amazing is because I am not drinking enough vodka, peach schnapps, cranberry and orange juice. Ok new plan.....

p.s. The book says "yo" can be understood as "Hey, I'm one of the guys" or as "Hey, get into my pants," so I think you're ok.

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FRANKIE:

As to Platebot: basically, he is the cutest ever and we had a long conversation in which we made up a language comprised only of gestures. At one point Sasha was like, "You are on fire" or something to that effect, because I WAS ON FIRE. Such banter.

Platebot. Do you want me to sign this paper plate for you?
Frankie. um...YES.
Platebot. (hides plate behind sheaf of papers, commences manic scribbling)
Frankie. What are you DOING?
Platebot. YOU CANNOT SEE YET.
(finally, he finishes)
Platebot. (hands me plate with a robot drawn on it) Now whenever you are sad, you can look at Platebot and know that Platebot loves you.

I DIED.

Ok while I was writing this, 4 more emails were written. Thank god for gmail.

p.s. Just start making up drinks called, like, "I am slutty" and "I have no self-esteem." Then you'll get all the jerks.

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ALEX:

What would even be in those?

"The one on the right is skim milk and orange pulp. The one on the left is made with water, sherry extract, and two beef bouillon cubes."

Also, platebot story is cutest ever. Cannot stand it. That entire scene needs to be in an indie romantic comedy starring Jason Schwartzman.

p.s. Now I am majorly obsessing over choice of pp for impending visit to my Facebook profile. Need something come-hither yet not intimidating. Obvious choice is hot wig pic, but that is from Halloween and I just don't know how much more I can really bring that one back. Searching hard drive now. Possible photo shoot later. Abort, abort!

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SASHA:

Wow, I can't believe I was sleeping through all of this! So much going on here, but it seems like most of it has been resolved. Thank god.

@Alex:

There is almost no amount of FB/myspace stalking that can be done that will drive a guy away if there is chemistry there slash possible action on the horizon. And let's be honest there is a mutual understanding when it comes to FB stalking.

Option 1: Status says 'single', nothing at all, or one of those fake marriage things.
Translation: This person is open to FB hook-ups.

Option 2: Status says 'in a relationship'.
Translation: This person is probably open to FB hook-ups but not overtly.

So, it is good that you FB friended him. However, take note: I would not run away next time you are with him, as I have found this decreases your chance of action exponentially.


@Frankie:

I agree with you for the most part about women being more analytical than men (although I think this is taught and not innate). And of course this is an over-generalization, because I do think men think about those things- but they don't have a place to discuss it. I can give pointed examples but that seems a little unnecessary now. Best for us to just get our own talk show and discuss it then.

Ok, new topic but still to Frankie: OH MY GOD about Platebot. I can't believe he has a gf slash I am not that surprised. Maybe that's why he was not taking it to the next level- maybe he has a gf and felt a connection and was like "wtf" and you made him question his ENTIRE relationship slash existence so the only way to reconcile this was to make you a platebot man to express his undying love. Wow, I did not see that coming (don't say "coming").

It's too bad about that though, cause he was really awesome(ly hott) and you both had a nice connection. Although, I agree with Alex that if that much flirting was happening and I was his gf, I would be really mad. So maybe it's good that you found this out now, rather than dating, falling in love and then finding out that yo man's a dawg!

Ok that's all I have for now. Which is a lot, I know. I think I need a nap.

Kisses,
Sasha

p.s. Good choice on the profile pic, Alex.

5 comments:

michael said...

1. Alex, Frankie is totally right. Any normal guy will either think it's awesome to get the request from you because he wants you OR will think it's awesome because he doesn't want you but is totally flattered anyway.

2. Frankie, if Platebot is actually in a relationship, he totally broke the rules. He shouldn't have even spent that long chatting you up without figuring out a way to casually drop a hint that he's not actually available. Llama.

Alex said...

Omg, Michael, is "llama" the new "lame-o"? Because, if it is, I am so stealing that for all future conversations /slash/ letters to congress. Amazing!

Also, sidebar: I kind of hate when I'm talking to a guy and he brings up his girlfriend in an awkward/unnecessary fashion. I'm not saying that guys shouldn't do that, because I think they should, but it always kind of embarrasses me, like he's subtly suggesting that I was interested in him. Especially if I'm not actually interested in him, because it then makes what was initially a thoroughly professional/platonic conversation feel sexualized. I fully recognize that this is my problem and not the dude's, I'm just wondering if anyone else ever feels like that.

Alex said...

p.s.
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sasha said...

i know what you mean alex, about the unnecessary slash early use of the gf card. however i'd rather him bring it up sooner rather than later (also see "gay card" h/w this is easier to detect...but sometimes i'm tired and my senses are off and he was so nice!....anyway).

so yes, i know what you mean about when this card is dealt and then there is like an expectation of interest. (see worst sentence structure ever) but sometimes i take it as a compliment (maybe this is my insecurity parading as over-confidence). i am thinking 'wow. he's played the gf card. i wasn't even flirting (yet). maybe he's telling me so he knows i know about her so i won't flirt, because if i did flirt he wouldn't be able to resist my womanly ways.' but that's just me. and maybe i'm reading too much into these type of interactions. (also see over-analytical girl who likes to create sub-stories in her own mind......dot blogspot dot com backslash me)

Nicky said...

underscore nicky... girl, I am with you re: over-analytical girl with the creating of sub-stories//conversations in my head. it's totes healthy and productive, right?